Comfy Cozy

Ah yes, the infamous “C” word.  It’s the thing we long for when we haven’t yet acquired it.  The thing we  come to loathe once we feel we’ve settled too much into it.  The thing we miss when we feel we’ve lost it.  It’s the glue that holds relationships together, the stamp of approval that seals the deal yet simultaneously the culprit of complacency and at the root of that nagging “being taking for granted” feeling . 

Yup you guessed it…COMFORTABLY. It’s an expensive commodity–too little is not enough yet too much of it can be a negative thing as well.  Is this something we should strive for in our relationships?  If we were to list words we would like to describe our relationships with a “boo” would comfortable make the top ten list?  It’s a compliment for the one you’re with to say they feel “comfortable” around you.  Or is it?  When that comfortability translates into sharing the most intimate parts of your thought life with a person or feeling comfortable enough to have a bad hair day, then I’m all for it.  But when it translates into bad hair days for the rest of the time you two are together, is that when comfy cozy becomes foe rather than a friend?  And when feeling comfortable means you speak your mind 100% of the time without curtailing any thing you say, completely disregarding the other person’s views and perceptions of you…than the problems Houston had are nothing compared to the problems you and your boo will see.

Comfortability can all too often turn into a crutch as well.  The tingly feeling that was once coveted and sought after can suddenly become the only reason you remain in a relationship with someone.  When every thing else points to reasons why you should leave the person, “I’m comfortable with him/her”is certainly not an honorable reason to remain, yet for so many it is.  Is there a such thing as being too comfortable in a relationship?  When comfy-ness breeds complacency, it’s definitely time to rethink how cozy we’ve become. Are we making our living spaces too comfy for others who may not even belong there?

Catastrophic Consciousness?

Consciousness. 

• A point of awakening
• Being made aware of something that was previously unknown to you 
• A light bulb going off, illuminating what was once drowned out in darkness

This was the theme of my English class this semester.  What it means to be a conscious individual.  And although I learned a lot about the topic, the greatest lesson was learned not from a text book but from my own personal experience immediately following this class.  What I learned from the class was that once you’ve been made aware of something, you can’t just become unaware of it.  It requires an action or a response.   What I didn’t know was that there are different dynamics, stages even, that exist when we begin to deal with the issue of consciousness.  Namely:

• For starters there’s your life  as you’ve grown accustomed to it before you’re conscious of something
• Something is brought to your attention that you were previously unaware of, in fact you were operating in life as if the opposite were true
• The changes one undergoes as a result of that conscious
• The life that is invariably different as a result of that revelation

The immediate mental picture I get when I hear this word is one of a person who has been in a deep sleep and is suddenly awoken. And I’d love to believe that consciousness is most beneficial and optimal way to journey through life.   It’s the exact opposite of the less than enlightened “ignorane is bliss” philosophy.  And while I believe it to be a privledge; consciousness is certainly not for the faint in heart.  Consciousness will always lead to change… if it is faced with courage that is.

But I post this because apparently my theoritic, text book undertakings this semester so lovingly decide to manifest themselves in my life and so this is as autobiographical as it gets.  I found out a guy friend of mine who I’ve never looked at as any thing more sees me as much more than just a friend.  Having been made conscious of it, I am now conscious of feelings I never knew existed myself.  But my question or concern rather is : when consciousness hits our relationships, does it necessarily turn into catastrophy?  How does consciousness effect our relationships?  Does raising levels of consciousness in our relationships  automatically translate into:

1. Things will change
2. Things will never go back to being the same

For the sake of relationships is it best to adhere to:  what you don’t know won’t hurt you?

P.S.  I tried to not make this about me but the rules of the game have changed and I don’t like it!  Consciousness is supposed to be so wonderful so why is it feeling so catastrophic in this instance?

Tangled Webs

I love animal planet. I’m sure I’ve made several other references to it before. But I think what amazes me the most is the enormous amount of subtle similarities that exist between their “planet” and ours. They have nuanced behaviors, habits, quirks, that I find not only fascinating but that I understand are not much different, theoretically speaking, from our own actions. Animals mark their territory, develop chains of command and hierarchies, much the say way we do, and they also exhibit certain behaviors when it comes to relationships! This is where it gets good.

Now although I’m no expert on animal behavior, I do know that there are animals that do all types of things when they’ve set their sights on a particular mate. They dance, they show off their beautiful colors, make sounds and grunts, all to attract their much desired mate. And it just made me think of the enormous lengths we all go to to potentially catch the eye of our beloved. Pull out our best threads, get all nicely groomed, nicely scented and dab colors places we may have never before; and we set out to do our mating dance, to bait our fishing hooks, to show off our beauty all to attract the object of our desire.

What seems like the ultimate fail proof plan in the animal kingdom, is wrought with glitches when performed in ours. While you have your eyes set on a particular person for whom you intentionally perform your “mating dance” for, there may be other unintended parties, who have their eye on you. And often time these displays of affection, or displays in an attempt to gain others affection, are not isolated or hidden from others’ view, you get numerous “mates” observing the same actions and all responding in ways you had neither anticipated or desired. What do you do when your “mating dance” has gone awry? When instead of attracting the one you intended, an unsuspecting on looker picked up your scent and is now in hot pursuit of you? What tangled webs we weave. LOL.

P.S. And just in case any one was wondering…inspiration for this post= my current state of affairs where relationships and men are concerned.

Rough Drafts of Love

So I have a rough draft due for one of my English classes.  And knowing it’s a rough draft kind of alleviated a lot of the pressure.  Knowing that it doesn’t have to be perfect; that I don’t necessarily have to dot every i and cross every t, granted me a sense of liberty.  But being me, I thought a little deeper into the matter and wondered how this whole “rough draft” mentality relates to the world of dating, love and relationships.  It made me wonder if all of our past relationships were our rough drafts at love.  What comes to your mind when you hear that?  You know rough drafts:

• the trial run
• the make believe before the real deal
• the practice shot
• your attempt to get it right
• the one full of mistakes
• the one you didn’t really put your all into because you knew you’d have another shot
• the one you just threw together
• trial and error
• where you figure out what works and what doesn’t

This list, although very true of rough drafts, bears a striking resemblance to a lot of our past approaches to love…don’t you think?  Could it be that we are learning how to be a better person for someone else while we are in a relationship with other people?  Are we working out our kinks; finding out what works and what doesn’t so the next time around we’ll get it “right”?  I mean, after all, the purpose of rough drafts is to get all your thoughts down on paper and just organize them and make whatever necessary corrections so that the final draft is perfect, or close to it.  All the makings of a perfect final draft are already contained in the rough draft, but it just needs some refining and tweaking.  So when we finally do construct our final drafts of love, are they only the result of trial and error rough drafts we have had with love before?

You’ve Been Mistress-ed

 

Aight so check it. As you all can plainly see I have been a lot more frequent with my postings. More frequent posting has not meant more frequent visits or visitors but more material none the less. Reason for this being I was on vacation from my job. Yippee!! I returned today though *sigh* Any way I have so much more new material and I fear that if I don’t get it out of this head of mine it may be lost forever! Yikes!! So here goes nothing…Oh and by the way if you’re liking what you’re reading please feel free to express that. Sometimes a little validation goes a loooong way!

So the thought for the day is: Can you unknowingly be an accomplice in someone’s infidelity? Now I don’t mean you’re seeing a guy who never told you he had a boo and then you find out he’s been playing both of y’all at the same time. That’d be all too obvious and blatant. No, I’m talking about a more subtle type of cheating—perhaps emotional. So the scenario changes up a bit and becomes:

• Boy has boo
• Boy has you
• Boy and you are friends
• Boy and you are enjoying each other’s company
• It’s all innocent [to you]
• But if boy is investing so much time and energy in communicating with you…
• [Communication is unrelated to boys boo by the way]

 

Than what is really going on here?

Are we ladies inadvertently placing our selves in the midst of a potential Jerry Springer love triangle unbeknown-st to us? We’re just innocent by standers in this after all right? Or are we accomplices in helping this boy cheat on his boo emotionally under the guise of “just being friends”? And then what if all this time causes him to begin to question his relationship with his boo? At that point, are we really friend or foe?  You’ve been mistress-ed, new reality TV show headed your way.

Once a Cheater…

That’s right, no matter what, you will…always be a cheater. Get out your stamp and just brand it right on said person’s forehead “CHEATER”. Does cheating once automatically grant you access to the cheaters-for-life-club? I ask the question because although I’ve never been the cheating type, I’ve known some peeps who were, and proud, professional ones at that. But it raises some interesting concepts and points in my mind. To begin with, is there a such thing as a “cheating type”? If so how do you spot them prior to them committing the crime? It’d be so much easier if they had a scarlet letter “C” branded on their chests right? And if some one is not the “cheating type” does that mean that they will never evolve into one of them?

I’m trying to examine things that we’ve always heard when it comes to relationships and love and so this concept of once a cheater always a cheater, is a saying you hear often in the dating world. But mostly on talk shows when an audience member stands up to give advice to the poor girl on stage who just found out on national television that their boo has been creepin on her, yet wants to take him back. Sounds like some Maury ish. Sorry guys too much day time television watching on my end huh?! But seriously if it’s not true, why give people the mic?? Then they are allowed to perpetuate lies that are just trusted because it’s easy to remember.

And while on the topic of things we’ve heard about cheating, I’ve heard that if a man cheats on you and you forgive him, your value in his eyes decreases dramatically and he’s more likely to do it again. How’s that for a thank you? And while I’m against sayings that use words like always and never (they are so binding and hopeless), maybe there is some truth to this saying. My natural tendency is to give peeps the benefit of the doubt, to believe the best about people and their ability to change but bump that. If you did it once, you have more of a tendency to do that thing again. Call it a bad habit if you’d life, but habits none the less are hard to break. People cheat for a variety of reasons:

• boredom
• adventure
• excitement; thrill of it all
• chasing the cheater’s high
• because they think someone is cheating on them
• because they can
• because someone make themselves available
• because they are trying to get back at someone
• because they got away with it before
• … all boils down to immaturity, selfishness and stupidity.

Is there any circumstance when cheating is justified though? And if cheating is anything like eating lays potato chips, then I wonder if one can eat just one? Got a new catch phrase…bet you can’t cheat just once.

Tuesday’s Thought|| Love Makes You Do What?

…crazy things, is usually how the saying goes. Problem is, I don’t like clichés too much; reason being that they almost gain their credibility and validity more through time and extensive overuse rather than accuracy!  And so as a result, you have a host of bizarre, disturbing, insane, and down right ludicrous activity taking place in the name of…dare I say *gulp* love! And there you have it: some person moved by what they believed to be love, burned her no- longer-boos house down; or busted the windows out his car; invaded his privacy and checked his call log to see who he’s been texting and chatting it up with; and then looked at this string of crazy activity and said “Ah ha!!! Yes this must be love”.

We are extremely complex creatures motivated by at least 100 different things at any given time.  Just a little psycho-babel for all who enjoy it as much as I do [syke], even our most altruistic endeavors are to some degree motivated by selfish ambition and personal gain.  I say all of that to say- that to pin point one reason for your actions is futile at best. Yet to pin down love as the culprit behind actions that are other wise just down right inappropriate becomes problematic.

I guess the truth or error of the statement loves makes you do crazy things depends on how each individual defines crazy. And while love is thought to make people do crazy things, I can name a host of other contributing factors to people doing crazy things:

• Selfishness
• Insecurity
• Pride
• Jealousy
• Chemical imbalances
• Immaturity
• Instability [mental and otherwise]
• Anger

Next time we are tempted to use that expression maybe we could find a better, more accurate replacement for “love”. But what do you all think? Is love to blame for all the crazy things we do in it’s name?  What differentiates actions done that are just crazy or justified as a crazy action done in the name of love?

Time…..In

Took a little time out there for a minute. Amid the increasing demands on my life, i.e. school, work, and attempting to identify what my dreams are and to pursue one if not all them, kind of neglected the blog in the process.

*Sniff*
*Sniff*

I’m temporarily freezing my time out just to jot down a couple of things I’ve been thinking about since I’ve been away.

For starters I came to the conclusion that how one answers this question will reveal a great deal about what matters the most to you in your life. The question is: If you found out you would be allowed to do/accomplish ___________ but then the very next day you would die, what would you fill your blank in with? What would have to occur in your life for you to feel the ultimate sense of satisfaction that you could die the next day and feel accomplished or at peace?

An even deeper thought that stems from this is why then do we waste so much time, exhausting ourselves chasing after things (or people) that aren’t important enough to fill in our blanks. I realized that my answer to the above question very well could be:

1. To receive national acclaim for a literary contribution I’ve made or to make the New York Times Best sellers list
2. Launch my own successful magazine
3. Release one song that plays on the radio for years to come
4. Take an amazing photo that would be published in magazines worldwide
5. Design an article of clothing that becomes an instantaneous hit

Tings that didn’t make that list:

• Getting a boo
• Meeting the man of my dreams
• Getting married
• Having kids

Now don’t get me wrong, no disrespect to all who would choose to fill their blank in with that. Everyone is at different stages in their life and if that’s your blank than that’s cool. And I presume that that would be on my to do list at some point in time but for right now, I just didn’t make my Top Five. There’s a couple more important things I’d like to accomplish before that. What’s the first thing on your life’s agenda… maybe it’s time to take a time out from those things that didn’t make your Top Five. Perhaps if we didn’t spend too much time on the non-essentials, when we look back over what we’ve done with our time we won’t regret not using it more wisely. Now…identify what’s on your Top Five list and…time in!!!

Let’s Celebrate, Shall We?!

ALL MY LADIES WHO ARE INDEPENDENT….

THROW YOUR HANDS UP IN HERE!!!!

ALL MY SINGLE LADIES MAKE SOME NOOOIIIISSSSEEE!!!!

[Cheers and applause]

WHOOOOO HOOOOO!!!

Sooooooo, I know some may be wondering what all the excitement is about and I can explain…. Guys, I think I’ve finally “arrived”.  Since I’ve started this blog some six to seven months ago, it was a therapeutic avenue I was employing to help me get over two break-ups and come to grips with this whole notion of being single.  Being single and fabulous was the furthest thing from my thinking.  Somehow the gloom from breaks-ups fogged up my vision making it hard for me to see just how fabulous and single could co-exist in the same sentence.  Though I had parted with the ‘boo-ed up’ life, the memories of it were on constant repeat in my mind.  And though I spent countless sleepless nights reminiscing, while sheding tears other nights, those memories are things I didn’t want to part with because they represented to me  the ideal:  namely, having someone you can call your own, someone to love, to hold, having a boo.  Couple that with the notion that I once held that only pathetic women who have something wrong with them are single (yes as ashamed as I am to admit it, I did once believe this, key word- once), and it’s no wonder I’m celebrating the fact those are no longer my views!!!

*Sigh of relief*

I looked around me yesterday and realized:

• I currently share an apartment with my sister
• I pay my portion of the bills on my own
• I have two jobs
• I’m putting myself through school
• I’m really bright
• I’m talented
• I’m attractive
• I HAVE IT GOING ON

Those realizations led to these other observations:

• I have no boo
• I am doing all these things on my own without a boo
• My life is perfectly great and fantastic without a boo
• My life is 250% better than it was when I was with either one of my boo’s
• I don’t need a boo [at least not right now]

As if all of this weren’t already enough to get excited and celebrate about…there remains one more piece to this puzzle….drum roll please…….

I’ve finally decided to let go of the memories!!! Let go of all the reminiscing, the hopes, the regrets.  I’ve arrived at a place of contentment.  It’s been a long time coming and though I’ve made temporary pit-stopsat this place before, followed by ever longer stops at places where I dwelt on the past state of affairs with boos, I’m fairly certain I’m here to stay!!!  I’m not looking for love anymore, bending over backwards to find it, twisting people’s arms to get it, jumping through hoops to earn it, becoming something or someone I’m not to win it…I’m just going to go on about my life being wonderfully me.  And I’ll let love find me when ever it does.  But in the  meantime, I’m hitting the play button on a life that has been on pause mode for way too long.

Faring in the Boo Fair

Dressed my best, smelling nice and fresh, and ready to impress, I attended a job fair today. Me and 500 hundred other people. And amid the crowds and sometimes hostile employers, I questioned if that was the most effective avenue one should employ to get, well…. employed. As if finding a job wasn’t hard enough, you gather hundreds of unemployed hopefuls in a room, with considerably less employers with available positions, and it’s nothing short of chaotic. If nothing more, I can say that being there truly reminded me:

(1) Just how much I hate job fairs

(2) I truly think they are pointless since all the reps did was refer us to their websites

(3) job fairs closely parallel the dating world and

(4) that is not the way I want to find a boo or job for that matter

But it got me to thinking if that whole scene was an accurate portrayal of the dating world. Is that what it really all boils down to? Did the several people waiting on line for the same position, hoping to make a lasting impression and stand out as the most memorable candidate out of the hundreds before them, represent what we do where prospective boos are concerned? Are all our interactions with the oppostie sex unconciously interviews to see if they can fill the vacant desired position we have in our lives? Are we auditioning? Or worse yet, is the dating world an auction where we showcase all our assets because we are seeking to be sold to the highest bidding boo? If life is in fact a ‘boo fair’, are you the prospective employee or employer? And how exaactly are you faring?