The Hidden Treasures of You

Thoughts of how it feels to be around someone you know adores you
Don’t know why but it brings out the best in you
It frees you to radiate the beauty you know they seek
The beauty you know they see and expect from you
It unlocks a part of you that may have long been tucked away
Under lock and key
The treasure of you Its an amazing thing to be in the presence of someone you know adores you
It is unmistakable
The loving way they look at you
the way they smile at everything you say Study your gestures
Admirable glances they cast
It makes you feel alive
And safe in their presence

Maybe you perform a little for them even

Not that its not the real you
But they raise the deepest parts of you to life
Because you know they celebrate who you really are
The you you may be afraid to share and be with anyone else
And its just the most amazing feeling
How sweet it is to be loved
It just makes the best of you burst out at the seams
This uncontainable giddiness that someone sees past your exterior
Sees past your past
Sees past your mistakes
and sees your heart
And despite what may have transpired there lies this insatuable fondess of the individual
And it is something that doesnt happen often in life
But when you find it
I swear there is nothing quite like it

Business Parter or Boo

Now we have all heard that business and pleasure don’t mix, right?  Wrong!!!  Because so much emphasis is placed on the fact that the two should not be mixed,  we fail to acknowledge when the two should–romantic relationships.  Maybe its the appeal of the forbidden that leaves these two being mixed in the workplace but if we understood it properly maybe it would revolutionize the most important relationships we have–on the home front.  Business and pleasure?  Must they be mutually exclusive spheres we operate in?  Shouldn’t we endeavor to blend the two and acknowledge that how we operate in each role is critical to the fulfillment and functionality of our relationship.  I would gather that most successful relationships have learned that there must be a balance of both business and pleasure.  If the relationship pendulum swings too much and stays too long on either side then it will only result in frustration.  But frustration of different sorts.

Relationships are likened to business partnerships. Rappers comment that sometimes trying to work out a relationship “might be a bad business choice” (Dueces Remix).  And while we chuckle at the comparison, relationships are partnerships– two people working together to accomplish a certain goal.  Two pooling their resources together, financial as well as intellectual and social to be the right hand man or woman to the other.

And they lived happily ever after right?

If it were only that simple.

I think problems arise in relationships when both parties assume one role to the exclusion of the other.  If one partner is strictly operating in business partner mode while the other is exclusively boo,  you have two people operating in two different modes, speaking two different languages, trying to exchange very different capital.  Both are left frustrated to say the least.

______________________________________________________________________________________

There are certain things we have come to expect in a business setting.  If we are mature and realistic we understand that the office is not necessary the place we look for friends.  We understand that the nature of the relations we have there are to be professional and reciprocal– I know this and I can help you with this aspect of business, you know that and can help me with that aspect of business. We associate with people because they can get us where we need to be.   So we basically use each other and get paid by the company who is using (sometimes even exploiting us).  But that is the nature of business.  It is mechanical, careful, calculated, and robotic even.  We don’t expect these same behaviors to manifest in our romantic relationships.   The beauty of a relationship with a boo is that you can dress a similar dynamic up with the nice-ities of pet names and infuse the otherwise mechanical process of exchange with romance.  It breathes life into the business partnership, that is if there is the right mix of business and pleasure.  And at least there is an element of caring for the individuals well being and person outside of what they can “do for you” that we look for in romantic relationships that sets them apart drastically from the strictly arms length distance we are kept at from business partners.  At least that is the hope.

Here are some examples of frustrations that result when business and pleasure are mixed disproportionately in a relationship:

Both Parties are Business Partners:

When both parties approach the relationship as exclusively business partners lots of things get done and accomplished for the               couple outwardly.  It is very formal and robotic even.  Devoid of passion and appreciation of the other.  Emotionally un-fulfilling, cold and distant

Both Parties are Boos:

Probably the relationship most of us had in our youth.  Basically nothing gets done.  All that matters is how attractive the other person is and that you can spend as much time with each other as you can.  No goals, no objectives, not much responsibility.  Just boo-loving.

One Party is Exclusively Business Partner,While the Other, Boo:

Business Partner views the boo as irresponsible, negligent, carefree and not holding up their end of the bargain in terms of contributing to the larger scheme of things.  Boo accuses Business Partner of being insensitive, non-chalante, detached, removed, distant and only using boo as a means to an end.

Maybe the whole of relationships is an art where balancing the role of business partner/boo will create either a masterpiece on the canvas of a relationship or just one big old mess.  Which one are you?  ARE YOU OPERATING IN STRICTLY BUSINESS PARTNER MODE AND VIEWING YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER AS SUCH, AS MERELY A BUSINESS PARTNER?   I am certain that no matter which role you assure, there are adjustments that can be made to enhance the flavor of your Boo-siness Partnership.

The Recipe to Winning

Howdy guys!

It’s been a while. I know.  I happened to look at my stats only to discover that even after months of inactivity on my end you guys are still reading and visiting and I am inspired all over again.  My inactivity here does not mean I have not been writing at all, just not posting.  I’ll try to be more regular.  Maybe I will actualize my life’s dream in the process.  Here’s a piece I had written a little while ago.  Hope you enjoy:

 

 

When conflict occurs,

If peace and reconciliation

Are to be the aims

Then the issue of who was right

And who was wrong

Must be utterly abandoned.

All that matters is that both seek

To not continue in being wrong:

By the inability to see things

From the perspective of the other.

The moment the two refuse to set both self

And pride aside

Long enough to acknowledge

Why the other felt the way they did

Perceived it as they did,

This is where the greatest of the wrongs has occurred.

So the true goal to winning becomes

Not to convince the other of your rightness

And their wrongness

But to endeavor to understand clearly

How it was perceived by the other

And after all is said and done,

Although they may not ever agree,

Both win because the emphasis is placed on the two

As a whole

And not as separate entities

In any given conflict

Both had to play a part in contributing to it.

But as long as both agree to

Suspend their self preservation long enough

To be touched by compassion and concern for the other

That is if the two can grasp this principle,

It will be the secret to success every time.

Where this simple statement:

“Based on your understanding of things, I see why you would feel that way”,

Could mean the difference between

Fulfillment and further frustration

When communicating.

When this approach is taken,

The focus of each is shifted off of self

And on to how both can better

Understand

Interact

And communicate successfully with the other.

And that is the secret to winning. 

Leap of Love

 

Couldn't find a more gracious, feminine looking diver (guess this will suffice)

 

I’m back!!!!!

I know it has been forever.  Did you miss me???  Well I’ll explain everything as time progresses.  Let’s just say I have been thoroughly enjoying the “un-boo-less” life for the past few months.  I don’t know how to insert an asterisk and the word “un” to the blogs title (if someone does please let me know), so I thought it strange to continue blogging here when I am  no longer booless.   I reckoned it would be a contradiction of sorts, misleading and… well you get it.  I certainly did not want to begin receiving hate mail from the singles club ousting me from the group.  In any event, I have come to learn now, more so than ever before that I just love writing and for that reason can’t seem to stay away.  So while the content may be slightly different, I’m sure there will be something everyone (boo-ed up or not) can relate to.  At least that is my hope.

That’s it for my disclaimer.  And now that the preliminaries are out of the way (well sort of)… on with the good stuff.

I can’t say I haven’t taken what I would consider leaps in the name of love in the past.  Guess what makes this current leap different was that the past leaps were primarily me wishfully thinking the person I was looking to leap for would morph into someone other than they were.  So I leaped in the “well, they aren’t everything I was looking for, but we’ll try to make this work” sense– love conquers all kind of thing.  The leap of love I reference now though is certainly of an entirely different magnitude.  I decided to leap because of love, not in the hopes that I’d stumble upon it and serendipitously find it.  Love makes sacrifices and does so willingly after all right?  So this leap leaves me halfway across the country so that every spare moment the boo has, we can spend it together (well at least that was my hope).  Funny how the way our imaginations paint pictures somehow look slightly blurred and distorted compared to the portrait of reality.  This leap also leaves me with an extraordinary amount of time on my hands.  I heard someone say that we need to spend time with ourselves so we can get to know who we really are.  I have an awful lot of learning to do.  But time no less–and while it is perfect for blogging but the flip side of it is the enormous amount to time I have to think about life, love, and the like.  They say love is the most discussed topics in all of human history.  The most written about, the most complex, the thing that has lead to the most confusion and study.  I think we can all understand why.

And while there are a plethora of reasons why people take leaps in life, how many people still take leaps of love?  And if people are leaping for love all the time, are they leaping together in the name of love or is it one party leaping for love while the other is leaping for an entirely different reason?  If two people leap together but for different reasons, it eventually becomes apparent.  What are you leaping for?

The Vice of Expections

It never fails, there are somethings that, will always get us into trouble. And I have found “expectations” to be one of those things that almost always gets me into trouble and sabotages relationships.  It would do us all some good if we could identify them early on so this way we won’t keep hitting the same pot hole expecting miraculously that this time we’ll miss it without any effort on our part.  Here’s a surefire way, a formula if you will, that will leave you both frustrated and disappointed every time:

Expectations + Emotions = Enormous Problems

Apparently expectations are the enemy and a more easy-going approach is the key when it comes to others and relationships.  Because when we begin to think that others are supposed to do certain things and we anticipate a certain behavior from them (sometimes without them even being in the know about it) and we invest a lot of emotions in and around them doing these things, boy are we just asking for trouble when they don’t follow up the way we thought they should.  You thought he should have or would have called you back or texted you by now but he hasn’t [common complaints due to expectations].  And I’m guessing that at the heart of every an unmet expectation is an assumption that the other person understands things exactly the way you do and that is just a down right untruth.

When it comes to expectations it just seems like they do a whole lot more harm then good.  Maybe we’d do better to eliminate them all together.  At least I am finding that to be the more effective approach.

A Fighting Chance

This is filed under Lessons I’ve Learned in Love, yet I feel the need to express that I made an error when naming this category.  Lessons I’m Learning in Love would be the more accurate description because I have by no means arrived.  Still trying to understand some things, while grappling with others that only make me think that the more I think I know, circumstances invariably have a way of showing me I haven’t the slightest clue.  That being said I hope I haven’t misled anyone with the title of this post.  I really just wanted to talk about times in one’s life where you’ve fought for a relationship.  Be it a romantic one with someone who may not have necessarily felt the same way or even a friendship.

Someone approached me recently who seemed to be putting up a fight for our friendship, insisting that we pick up where we left off.  And while I’ll admit I was flattered, I was also saddened that I’ve never had the courage to do likewise.  My response was:

There are some people in my life that have walked away from me, and I let them even if I would have preferred that they stay.  I may have had tears in my eyes and a broken heart yet I let them go.  There are people I’ve walked away from; some I’m sure probably didn’t even deserve it (and I guess due to my unwillingness to put forth effort or even forgive it ended); then there are people that I pushed away that I’m sure probably still wonder til this day why (and sometimes there’s not even a reason, it just happens, lack of proximity, etc).  I’ve come to the point in my life where I don’t fight for people and relationships. I don’t know if it’s a good place to be or not.  What is messed up is that if someone doesn’t say anything to me I’ll just move on as if nothing.  Not that I don’t feel anything but I won’t allow myself to.  Yet at other moments I find myself frustrated because of it.  Frustrated because I don’t show the true nature of my feelings toward people.  Having said all of that, I recognize that as a problem (as it is a complaint of many people to me) that I just seeming cut people off completely.  And I’m learning that it’s a defense mechanism more than anything.

What do you guys think?  Are there any relationships in your life worth fighting for?  And under what conditions do you fight for one or just let it slip away?

New Year… Same Old Habits

Happy New Year’s folks!!!  You know what a new year means don’t you?  It means we can start all over, right the wrongs, put the past behind us and finally be out with the old and in with the new. But why am I noticing the contrary. Namely that we’re bringing the old into the new. A new year yet our habits where certain men and relationships are concerned aren’t so… well new. A new year but the same old mindset. Instead its the same old stuff, only its a different year!!!  What’s going on here folks?  Why are we subjecting our selves to the same people, places and things when we know we vowed last year that those were the very things we would change in the new?  If a new year is not sufficient motivation to keep old habits at bay, I don’t know what is.

And I never thought I’d say this but sometimes you can become so addicted to a person that they can be likened to a bad habit.  People we’ve grown so accustomed to interacting with its almost as if we’re incapable of acknowledging that they don’t mean us any good.   Or we may know that are no good for us but like a chain smoker, can’t seem to kick the bad habit.  Too bad they don’t sell patches for people like they do for cigarettes considering that avoiding people (boos) who have become bad habits will involve the same if not more willpower, determination and effort that it does to quit any other bad habit.

The Christmas Syndrome

Finding out the latest games….making up lists, checking them twice.  And then the long wait….  Finally opening up your much coveted presents and becoming virtually missing in action as you go off to play with whatever new games you received.  And then it happens, the game you dreamed about, cried about, longed for, the game you wouldn’t let any one else touch… the game that you finally got for Christmas is in your possession and after a certain amount of time, you find that very  game tossed to the side.  All the secrets unlocked, you’ve conquered the game, beat it and there’s nothing else to do but to start the whole process all over again.  Find out what the latest game is, covet it, devise a plan to get it… and the cycle goes on and on and on this way.  And it starts to sound much and much less like a child on Christmas and starts to sound more and more like adults in relationships.  And I can’t help but wonder if the whole Christmas experience as children sets us up for this type of behavior when it comes to relationships?

The problem arises when we begin to treat people and relationships as adults, the way we treated inanimate objects as children.  Is this Christmas Syndrome inadvertently training us for this type of behavior?  Dear Santa:  we have a problem on our hands.

When Love Bites

I don’t think we realize just how powerful our thoughts are and just how much a seemingly simple belief can effect our life.  From major ways to your views/beliefs about intimacy to small things like can men and women be just friends, these ideas shape our philosophy and ultimately find themselves woven into the very the fabric of our lives and relationships.  I mention this because I personally happen to believe that men and women can’t just be friends because eventually one if not both will start to develop feelings.  That thought was followed by a simultaneous one that a man and woman won’t even embark on a friendship unless one finds the other remotely attractive.  And it’s a belief of mine that I’ve never questioned and therefore have lived by it, until now.  So I’ve gone from thinking, it can’t be possible to wondering if in fact it could be.  The jury is still out so I’ll get back to you on that.  But I most certainly welcome your input. 

Which leads me to the focus of this post which is, believe it or not: can you be friends with an ex?  I was talking with my mother one day and for some reason she mentioned that once a dog attacks a human, they have to be put to sleep because once they taste human blood, they will always have an appetite and propensity to do it again.  I was shocked to have heard that because it’s something I was never aware of previously.  But it made a great deal of sense and it made me think of when “love bites” in the sense that once you’ve experienced being in a relationship with a person, is it possible to just be friends?  Or will your heart always yearn to experience the feelings that so dear to you?  And in those instances is it best to just put the entire relationship to sleep?  Or is one capable of having a platonic friendship with someone you previously called boo?  When love bites, do you go on as if it never did?

To Be or Not To Be…

Independent, that is the question. But not so much should you or shouldn’t you be independent, but what exactly does it mean for a woman to be independent.  What happened to the days when independence meant FREEDOM?   Now the word has taken on so many different meanings, it’s hard to determine what it means to be or not to be independent.   Women who have gotten a hold of this whole “independent movement” and taken it to the extreme say to be independent means “I need no one, I am my own woman.  Hear me roar!” In the hands of a man the whole I only like independent women movement leaves women wining and dining the men saying she got it, picking up tabs all the time.     With so many suggestions from popular culture and songs I’m not quite sure I’m buying into their ideologies of what it means to be or not to be an independent woman.  I don’t appreciate that Jamie and Neyo collabo trying to feed us with this erroneous idea of what it means.  Later for that reverse psychology business.   I don’t care what anyone says, what makes a woman independent can not be her ability and willingness to wine and dine a man!!  My grandmother always told me that you should date a man who can only do for you what you can’t do for yourself.   And I must admit that there is definitely some truth to that.

So what is it?   What does it mean to be independent?  I think it means that a woman is fully aware of her strength and her power yet also is willing to be vulnerable to a man to the RIGHT man.  Are we too far removed from the idea that men have specific roles that they should fill?  And an independent woman means to be able to do things for herself but allows a man to take his rightful position as provider.  A woman who will not be dependent on a man but one who maintains her own… her own identity, her own life, her own success but allows a man to share that space with her…by choice.