To Be or Not To Be…

Independent, that is the question. But not so much should you or shouldn’t you be independent, but what exactly does it mean for a woman to be independent.  What happened to the days when independence meant FREEDOM?   Now the word has taken on so many different meanings, it’s hard to determine what it means to be or not to be independent.   Women who have gotten a hold of this whole “independent movement” and taken it to the extreme say to be independent means “I need no one, I am my own woman.  Hear me roar!” In the hands of a man the whole I only like independent women movement leaves women wining and dining the men saying she got it, picking up tabs all the time.     With so many suggestions from popular culture and songs I’m not quite sure I’m buying into their ideologies of what it means to be or not to be an independent woman.  I don’t appreciate that Jamie and Neyo collabo trying to feed us with this erroneous idea of what it means.  Later for that reverse psychology business.   I don’t care what anyone says, what makes a woman independent can not be her ability and willingness to wine and dine a man!!  My grandmother always told me that you should date a man who can only do for you what you can’t do for yourself.   And I must admit that there is definitely some truth to that.

So what is it?   What does it mean to be independent?  I think it means that a woman is fully aware of her strength and her power yet also is willing to be vulnerable to a man to the RIGHT man.  Are we too far removed from the idea that men have specific roles that they should fill?  And an independent woman means to be able to do things for herself but allows a man to take his rightful position as provider.  A woman who will not be dependent on a man but one who maintains her own… her own identity, her own life, her own success but allows a man to share that space with her…by choice.

When To Say Never

“If that boy don’t love you by now,
He will never ever
never ever love you”

My thoughts exactly Ciara.

I don’t know if any one else can relate to this song, and more importantly being in this predicament. Being with a man whose professed love for you is not the least bit convincing. A woman’s intuition is a powerful thing and even though a man can claim to love you, that nagging feeling that he really doesn’t seems to drown out his claims. And there have certainly been times in my life, that if I had to choose a song to be the theme of my relationship, this would definitely be it.

Of course it makes me think what exactly is meant by “if that boy don’t love you by now”. And I guess each woman would have to fill in that blank for herself.

If that boy don’t love you after:

• You paid his cell phone bill
• Paid for his hair cuts
• You looked out for him
• You wined and dined him
• Took care of him
• You treated him like a king
• You tried to be the most supportive person to him
• After you slept with him
• You had his child

Then the truth of the matter is he will never ever love you. And although we’ve heard all our lives never say never, there comes a time when men cross certain lines in love and a “never” statement is in order. But I guess that’s what separates the men from the boys. Everybody knows that it’s only if you treat the GOOD MEN like kings, will they treat you like queens. When you treat boys like kings, because they are too immature to handle, recognize and appreciate the treatment, they misinterpret it as an entitlement instead of the privilege that it is and as a result, they will never ever love you.

Ring the Alarm

Perhaps this will be one of my most informal entries.  I have a thousand things to say yet have no idea how or where  to begin.  So many thoughts, yet organizing them right now will require more mental energy than I am willing or able to exert at this point (for various reasons).  And rightly so…this is an emergency…who can think straight under extreme conditions?  I’m just a little concerned and I think an alarm definitely needs to be sounded at the decline of eligible bachelors for those of us who are not getting any younger.  The older you get the margin of available men decreases more drastically than I am comfortable with.  It’s nothing new that the availability of men for black women is already low due to black men going to prison.  This is a dynamic that has been in place for quite some time, yet it never really concerned me until now. 

I have been about my boo-less life for some months now and I am becoming increasingly concerned as I see what various women older than myself are up against.  They are alone because there are no available men.  Either unavailable due to being married, being in a long term relationship, having several baby mama’s, or even worse yet, they are single but are emotionally unavailable.  What about the men that have grown so accustomed to the single, bachelor life-style that (1) they would not be wiling to exchange that for a serious committed relationship and (2) there is no woman I know that would ever be comfortable with it.

This is the part that alarms me…the implications!  What does all of this suggest?  What are our options? 

Does this “BOO-RECESSION” mean:

1. Whoever you can get that is half-way decent, you better hold on to ‘em?
2. Rather than deal with the fear of facing the rest of ones life alone, you settle for whoever is willing to be with you?
3. You lower your standards and assume the life-style of an eligible baccalaureate?  Not seeking any more than just a few flings so that your sexual itch is scratched?
4. You suffocate your dream of having a relationship with someone that is based on friendship, deep appreciation and admiration because like the job market, qualified men becoming obsolete?
5. My reservations against Jagged Edge, Let’s Get Married, don’t apply any more?  I used to hate this song.  How could a man site his number one reason for wanting to marry you was the fact that you two aren’t getting any younger.  These days I am beginning to understand that; even that admission now is regretful.

Can ones twenties be likened to the Bermuda Triangle?  They say once people travel in that area, they never return.  If you escape your twenties boo-less is it a Bermuda Triangle experience trying to find a man, or will you remain single for the rest of your life?  Ring the alarm…cause I’ll be darned if I leave my twenties without a boo on my arm!