A Worth While Investment

Let’s face it… relationships are expensive! And I don’t mean financially either [well on second thought, I've had my share of those types of relationships as well-- another story for another time].  But I’m more so talking about how taxing they can be emotionally, how costly they are in regards to your mental stability at times.   The enormous amount of time they demand.   All these things considered I’ve come to realize that relationships are investments and investments, all too often, I’ve made in haste, only to discover it wasn’t worth while.  They appeared promising at first glance but at a deeper level, have only taught me that everything that glitters is definitely not gold.  Don’t get me wrong, it took me quite some time to learn this lesson.  Countless attempts I’ve made to yield a return on the love, dedication and emotion I’ve expended in a relationship only to some how came up short.  At other times the care and nurture I’ve put into building was met by all my efforts being undermined, unknowingly uprooted and replaced with weeds.   Every time it was a different character yet producing the same results namely, me being left bankrupt with all the vibrant and compassionate me I’ve invested handed back to me broken and in pieces–depleted and severely exhausted.  Reaping what I had not sown for, receiving nothing I had intended and very far from what I had given.

I don’t know how some do it; embark on more relationships than you can be counted on one or both hands.  Guess for some it provides a sense of accomplishment, adds notches to the good ol’ belt.  But as for me, I’ve learned that relationships are things I’ll handle with care, my fragility has been ill-handled far too many time for me to entrust it to just anyone, yet again.  I’m only making investments with partners [boos] that are willing to bring just as much if not more to the table than I am.  I’m making investments that are not just good for just a little while but investments that are worth while and consider both parties best interest and good in the end.

What You Watching For?

They say watched pots never boil.  And although it is most applicable as a metaphor, things really do seem to take a longer time to cook when you’re eyeing it.  I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve stirred a pot full of food on an empty stomach and it feeling like it took an eternity to finally be ready.   But this expression got me to thinking about how many other areas in our lives this concept applies to.   And the truth of the matter is that it’s all a matter of perspective.  In all actuality it takes the same amount of time to cook the same meal whether you’re hungry or full but your condition is going to color your perspective greatly and I’d argue that the same is true of relationships.

Why does it seem that the more you want a relationship, the longer it takes to finally come about?  The more you desire companionship, the further away all prospects seem to be?   I’ve come to learn that it’s the same principle as the watched pot, it always boils… eventually, just not as fast as we would have liked.  So what do we coin a new phrase?  Watched relationships never come to fruition.  Only they do, with time, they spring up from even the most deserted fields of singleness.  The seed of it had been hidden so deep underneath the parched surface it was almost impossible to believe it was there.  But it was and it does spring up when you least expect it. 

So what are you waiting for?  Get on with your life.  Enjoy it.  Single life is time you never get back once you take that plunge into the never-ending abyss of love, romance and coupledom.  Stop watching and waiting for life to start once you find a boo and start watering your life with new discoveries of you!  It’s only when you try to run on empty that you’re heightened to the emptiness that’s around you to distract you from the real emptiness that’s with in.

Time…..In

Took a little time out there for a minute. Amid the increasing demands on my life, i.e. school, work, and attempting to identify what my dreams are and to pursue one if not all them, kind of neglected the blog in the process.

*Sniff*
*Sniff*

I’m temporarily freezing my time out just to jot down a couple of things I’ve been thinking about since I’ve been away.

For starters I came to the conclusion that how one answers this question will reveal a great deal about what matters the most to you in your life. The question is: If you found out you would be allowed to do/accomplish ___________ but then the very next day you would die, what would you fill your blank in with? What would have to occur in your life for you to feel the ultimate sense of satisfaction that you could die the next day and feel accomplished or at peace?

An even deeper thought that stems from this is why then do we waste so much time, exhausting ourselves chasing after things (or people) that aren’t important enough to fill in our blanks. I realized that my answer to the above question very well could be:

1. To receive national acclaim for a literary contribution I’ve made or to make the New York Times Best sellers list
2. Launch my own successful magazine
3. Release one song that plays on the radio for years to come
4. Take an amazing photo that would be published in magazines worldwide
5. Design an article of clothing that becomes an instantaneous hit

Tings that didn’t make that list:

• Getting a boo
• Meeting the man of my dreams
• Getting married
• Having kids

Now don’t get me wrong, no disrespect to all who would choose to fill their blank in with that. Everyone is at different stages in their life and if that’s your blank than that’s cool. And I presume that that would be on my to do list at some point in time but for right now, I just didn’t make my Top Five. There’s a couple more important things I’d like to accomplish before that. What’s the first thing on your life’s agenda… maybe it’s time to take a time out from those things that didn’t make your Top Five. Perhaps if we didn’t spend too much time on the non-essentials, when we look back over what we’ve done with our time we won’t regret not using it more wisely. Now…identify what’s on your Top Five list and…time in!!!

Let’s Celebrate, Shall We?!

ALL MY LADIES WHO ARE INDEPENDENT….

THROW YOUR HANDS UP IN HERE!!!!

ALL MY SINGLE LADIES MAKE SOME NOOOIIIISSSSEEE!!!!

[Cheers and applause]

WHOOOOO HOOOOO!!!

Sooooooo, I know some may be wondering what all the excitement is about and I can explain…. Guys, I think I’ve finally “arrived”.  Since I’ve started this blog some six to seven months ago, it was a therapeutic avenue I was employing to help me get over two break-ups and come to grips with this whole notion of being single.  Being single and fabulous was the furthest thing from my thinking.  Somehow the gloom from breaks-ups fogged up my vision making it hard for me to see just how fabulous and single could co-exist in the same sentence.  Though I had parted with the ‘boo-ed up’ life, the memories of it were on constant repeat in my mind.  And though I spent countless sleepless nights reminiscing, while sheding tears other nights, those memories are things I didn’t want to part with because they represented to me  the ideal:  namely, having someone you can call your own, someone to love, to hold, having a boo.  Couple that with the notion that I once held that only pathetic women who have something wrong with them are single (yes as ashamed as I am to admit it, I did once believe this, key word- once), and it’s no wonder I’m celebrating the fact those are no longer my views!!!

*Sigh of relief*

I looked around me yesterday and realized:

• I currently share an apartment with my sister
• I pay my portion of the bills on my own
• I have two jobs
• I’m putting myself through school
• I’m really bright
• I’m talented
• I’m attractive
• I HAVE IT GOING ON

Those realizations led to these other observations:

• I have no boo
• I am doing all these things on my own without a boo
• My life is perfectly great and fantastic without a boo
• My life is 250% better than it was when I was with either one of my boo’s
• I don’t need a boo [at least not right now]

As if all of this weren’t already enough to get excited and celebrate about…there remains one more piece to this puzzle….drum roll please…….

I’ve finally decided to let go of the memories!!! Let go of all the reminiscing, the hopes, the regrets.  I’ve arrived at a place of contentment.  It’s been a long time coming and though I’ve made temporary pit-stopsat this place before, followed by ever longer stops at places where I dwelt on the past state of affairs with boos, I’m fairly certain I’m here to stay!!!  I’m not looking for love anymore, bending over backwards to find it, twisting people’s arms to get it, jumping through hoops to earn it, becoming something or someone I’m not to win it…I’m just going to go on about my life being wonderfully me.  And I’ll let love find me when ever it does.  But in the  meantime, I’m hitting the play button on a life that has been on pause mode for way too long.

Living La Vida… Boo-Less

I will attempt to provide a brief synopsis of the past couple of years of my “love” life, a chronicle of events that lead to me living la vida boo-less. I will probably not do a good job as I am condensing years of feelings, experiences and thoughts into an half hour summary, but here goes nothing….About four years ago I was convinced that I no longer wanted to be single. I was 20 and ready for love! With India Aire’s song, “Ready For Love” as my inspiration at the time, it was in heavy rotation on my CD player and it’s lyrics would almost indefinitely leave me in tears every time:

I am ready for love

Why are you hiding from me?

I’d quickly give all my freedom

To be held in your captivity

Indeed this song was written with me in mind, if not every song lyric, every strum of the guitar seemed to convey accurately, like nothing else could, the melody of my heart. I was young and while every one around me seemed to be enjoying a “boo-ed up” life, I was determined to leave many a lonely night behind me. Of course, I payed less attention to other of this same song’s lyrics such as the part that said:

Lately I’ve been thinking that

You’re (love that is) not ready for me

Maybe you think I need to learn maturity

They say watch what you ask for

‘Cause you may receive…

It’s only in retrospect that I can say that indeed I didn’t know the first thing about love and even the love I so desperately sought and professed to be ready for was rooted in selfishness. Love would have been right to hide from me a little while longer because I was not ready for it. Didn’t know how to recognize it, how to sacrifice for it, how it should be displayed and acceptably reciprocated. Desperation for a relationship, any relationship left me jumping at the first guy who made me laugh until it hurt, complimented me and whose company I enjoyed without even considering for a moment if we were compatible in any way. My mission was accomplished though, I was not boo-less any more. I had what I asked for…. a boo. By the time I realized the things that I had been blind to but were existent all along:

1. We had nothing in common and hence weren’t compatible
2. We weren’t on the same level intellectually
3. Our everyday normal conversations were non-existent because they were replaced with arguments over words taken out of context
4. I finally had a boo yet was still miserable

I was two years into the relationship, time had flew by more quickly than I intended it to and I was left wishing I had know sooner that:

1. I should have been just a tad more discriminatory with a man I decided to call boo
2. Jealousy will never mean true love
3. Just because a guy is great doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a great guy for you

I had a run in with a love from my teenage years when things really started to get almost unbearably rocky with my going-on-three-years-boo. He reminded me that there did exist a man who could be everything I wanted in a boo… or so it seemed.  He appeared to be everything my current boo was not and then some. He was my ticket to the love I had been ready for. I called it splits-ville with said boo and despite my desire to be single, I jumped at what I thought would be my chance at true love finally. Of course while I was operating under the notion that if you let a man go and he comes back to you he’s yours, he was operating by others, namely if you’ve never slept with a woman while you two were together, it’s a good idea to at least attempt to. Needless to say, it didn’t last very long….that was not the love I had sang about, cried about longed for or imagined.

Now I’m living la vida boo-less and I couldn’t be happier for the time to myself to grow, to mature and be extra careful with what I ask for in 2009!

The X-Y Factor

Recently, The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet, has been having a lot of segments dealing with relationships. I myself, have been late to work due to catching these segments. Don’t know what the recent obsession with relationship/love/breakup/advice has been as of late, but if nothing more I am sure it is designed to get ratings to skyrocket through the roof. It’s apparently working, at least in my household that is. Perhaps I can attribute my newly found ‘blissful boo-less state‘ to these segments. Overwhelming amounts of you didn’t need him anyway spiels are always a plus [lol, kidding, or maybe not]. People want to know about love, relationships and the like. It’s especially good to know that you and your feelings are not unique, odd, strange or so foreign that no one else can possibly relate. I think their specials are particularly helpful for those reasons. The segment, The Case of the Ex, which had a panel of “relationship experts” giving advice on getting over the ex discussed things one can do to “speed up the process”. The videos are included for your viewing pleasure and are being mentioned since we are on the topic of exes.

Which brings me to probably the most noteworthy thing I’ve ever heard anyone say when encouraging one to get over an ex. If those segments with Mike and Juliet didn’t contribute to my new philosophy, this statement surely did. And as much as I wish this was the product of my own thinking, I regretfully confess that I am stealing this from someone else. Okay, so you have to give me some credit for not passing this off as bi-product of my own brilliance, but I think everyone will appreciate this, nonetheless. So here we go, drum-roll please……

Eventually you will get to the place when your exes become whys…

And instead of crying over losing them, you will be wondering why you even dated them in the first place

It’s a true statement that the greatest healer of a broken heart is time. But it’s also true that in time the very ones you sit and cry over now are the very ones that in time: [1] things are put in better perspective, [2] reality sets in, [3] you question your younger [perhaps less experienced, more naive] self’s judgement on selecting that individual as a boo in the first place. But I can’t help but wonder that as with the alphabet, ‘x’ will always be followed by ‘y’, does that mean that that same rule may apply to the dating world? Will exes always be followed by whys??

Public Displays of Affection || PDA

Opinions toward PDA vary tremendously.  One factor that effects your proclivity or inclination towards it or against it, has a great deal to with whether you are boo-less or not.  Chances are if you are boo-less, then witnessing any form of PDA not only upsets and enrages you, it depresses the mess out of you because all you have to hug is….yourself??  But if you are the one being loved up on in public with your boo, trust me all consciousness of how “inappropriate” it may appear, is the furthest thing from you mind.  But, I must admit some forms of PDA would offend even the most “booed up” of us–in those instances it would have done the “A”in PDA better to stand for “Atrocity”.  Case in point, I was on the train this morning, minding my own business.  I witnessed the most stomach turning display of affection while on a public train in the history of PDA.  This woman and her boo were on the train together when her stop came.  Now there is nothing wrong with having full lips but when two full lipped people kiss, in public at that, all I can say is that that woman was lucky to have still been standing after that.  I thought one of them was going to have been swallowed by the other.  Let’s just say that was the least flattering, least enviable expression of PDA I’ve ever witnessed.  The kissing was not tender and sweet and gentle.  All the things that would make one tilt their head to the side, and let out a simultaneous aww and sigh, jolting memories of when it was you and your boo.  It was loud, hard and just plain ol’ nasty.  And I have to say that even if I was not boo-less, there was nothing about that scene that made me want to be.  In any event, here are some responses to PDA, for the boo-less and non boo-less alike.

Reactions/Responses to PDA:

For the Boo-less:

• Utter detest and disgust:  They need to get a room, that is completely unacceptable and inappropriate
• Utter longing:  Man I sure wish that was me
• Reminiscing:  I remember when me and my boo used to do that, we didn’t have a care in the world
• Contentment:  Hey if you can because you have a boo to do it with, more power to ya 

All these remarks all appear to be different, they can all be summed up in one word:  hateration.

For the Booed-Up:

*Chances are they are engaging in some form of PDA to be concerned with who else is or isn’t but I would imagine their thoughts to be:

Look at all these singles hating on us, let’s make out some more!

Bottom line:  PDA, you’re loving it while you’re doing it and wishing it were you while you’re not [for the most part that is, there are clearly exceptions to that rule].

Potential Prospects vs Casual Social Events

Is it just me, or does the boo-less life leave every place you may find yourself, a potential breeding ground to find Mr. Right? Everyday mundane activities: riding subways, social events and engagements, run-ins with male acquaintances from the past in the most unlikely of places, window shopping; are somehow morphed into these prowls for potential ‘boo-ish’ prospects. As “is it him” echos itself in the silence of your mind. One of the cousins I grew up is moving out of state in a couple of days and she called to invite me to her ‘bon voyage party’. I was introduced to a lot of folks and saw some faces I hadn’t seen in nearly ten years. So while I’m catching up with familiar faces and familiarizing myself with new ones I couldn’t help but wonder in the back of my head if there could be something more to this than just casual conversations. And it made me think how differently social situations are approached when you are boo-less as opposed to being attached. If attached, you will either enter [some if not all] social events sporting your boo on your arm, indicating to everyone that you are unavailable. And even if your boo is not with you, the thought of hunting for potential prospects is [or should be for that matter] the furthest thing from your mind [of course I can only speak for myself as I understand some people in relationships are how do you say grimy]. In fact, you may periodically slip away to put a call in to the boo to let them know that you’re thinking of them. But when you’re boo-less, you may be conscious of the fact that the new boo could be in your midst. This introduces a new edge to your now not-so-casual- social situation, as you are actually concerned, perhaps overly so, if you have spinach stuck in your teeth.

I am reminded about a sociology class I took in college called: Sociology of the Family. This was one of the most amazing classes I’ve ever taken. Don’t know if I consider it amazing because I got an A+ in the class or if it was my love for the class that got me that grade. Of course that’s neither here nor there and in an attempt to spare you of a synopsis of the class, I’ll suffice it to say we studied how the family unit as we know it today came to be and how ones socioeconomic status, demographics, culture and era effect ones family. Over the course of the class I came across an interesting belief held by Italians and it was that they believed a man and woman should never be left alone in one room under any circumstance. Things happen if and when they are and so it was to be avoided, and honestly part of me understood then and understands now that there may be more validity to that than one may think. Put a man and woman in a room for any length of time and eventually if not immediately, some thing will happen (let’s assume at least the most rated PG things as possible, thanks). Boo-less-ness and social engagements is where it’s at. It is your classic ‘plenty of fish in the sea”reminder, just in case you forgot.

The Upside of ‘Boo-Less-Ness’ & Social Events:

1. Anything is liable to happen, really hitting it off with someone (i.e. status changing from boo-less to non-boo-less)
2. You are free to scope out the scene and openly enjoy who you may see, and who you talk to
3. Not being overly concerned about time and rushing to leave or excuse oneself to speak or see the boo because you don’t have one
4. Breathe a sigh of relief as the girl who had too much to drink throws herself and all her goods on any man in her blurred sight, because none of them are your boo
5. No arguments because someone caught someone eyeing some one else or being overly friendly to a third party, because you’re boo-less

For all intents and purposes, I’d have to say the boo-less person probably benefits most from social engagements, that is of course, so long as the social event is not catered to couples. In that case, your boo-less-ness is brought to the forefront, further highlighted and is now the focal point of the event.