The Recipe to Winning

Howdy guys!

It’s been a while. I know.  I happened to look at my stats only to discover that even after months of inactivity on my end you guys are still reading and visiting and I am inspired all over again.  My inactivity here does not mean I have not been writing at all, just not posting.  I’ll try to be more regular.  Maybe I will actualize my life’s dream in the process.  Here’s a piece I had written a little while ago.  Hope you enjoy:

 

 

When conflict occurs,

If peace and reconciliation

Are to be the aims

Then the issue of who was right

And who was wrong

Must be utterly abandoned.

All that matters is that both seek

To not continue in being wrong:

By the inability to see things

From the perspective of the other.

The moment the two refuse to set both self

And pride aside

Long enough to acknowledge

Why the other felt the way they did

Perceived it as they did,

This is where the greatest of the wrongs has occurred.

So the true goal to winning becomes

Not to convince the other of your rightness

And their wrongness

But to endeavor to understand clearly

How it was perceived by the other

And after all is said and done,

Although they may not ever agree,

Both win because the emphasis is placed on the two

As a whole

And not as separate entities

In any given conflict

Both had to play a part in contributing to it.

But as long as both agree to

Suspend their self preservation long enough

To be touched by compassion and concern for the other

That is if the two can grasp this principle,

It will be the secret to success every time.

Where this simple statement:

“Based on your understanding of things, I see why you would feel that way”,

Could mean the difference between

Fulfillment and further frustration

When communicating.

When this approach is taken,

The focus of each is shifted off of self

And on to how both can better

Understand

Interact

And communicate successfully with the other.

And that is the secret to winning. 

A Fighting Chance

This is filed under Lessons I’ve Learned in Love, yet I feel the need to express that I made an error when naming this category.  Lessons I’m Learning in Love would be the more accurate description because I have by no means arrived.  Still trying to understand some things, while grappling with others that only make me think that the more I think I know, circumstances invariably have a way of showing me I haven’t the slightest clue.  That being said I hope I haven’t misled anyone with the title of this post.  I really just wanted to talk about times in one’s life where you’ve fought for a relationship.  Be it a romantic one with someone who may not have necessarily felt the same way or even a friendship.

Someone approached me recently who seemed to be putting up a fight for our friendship, insisting that we pick up where we left off.  And while I’ll admit I was flattered, I was also saddened that I’ve never had the courage to do likewise.  My response was:

There are some people in my life that have walked away from me, and I let them even if I would have preferred that they stay.  I may have had tears in my eyes and a broken heart yet I let them go.  There are people I’ve walked away from; some I’m sure probably didn’t even deserve it (and I guess due to my unwillingness to put forth effort or even forgive it ended); then there are people that I pushed away that I’m sure probably still wonder til this day why (and sometimes there’s not even a reason, it just happens, lack of proximity, etc).  I’ve come to the point in my life where I don’t fight for people and relationships. I don’t know if it’s a good place to be or not.  What is messed up is that if someone doesn’t say anything to me I’ll just move on as if nothing.  Not that I don’t feel anything but I won’t allow myself to.  Yet at other moments I find myself frustrated because of it.  Frustrated because I don’t show the true nature of my feelings toward people.  Having said all of that, I recognize that as a problem (as it is a complaint of many people to me) that I just seeming cut people off completely.  And I’m learning that it’s a defense mechanism more than anything.

What do you guys think?  Are there any relationships in your life worth fighting for?  And under what conditions do you fight for one or just let it slip away?

To Be or Not To Be…

Independent, that is the question. But not so much should you or shouldn’t you be independent, but what exactly does it mean for a woman to be independent.  What happened to the days when independence meant FREEDOM?   Now the word has taken on so many different meanings, it’s hard to determine what it means to be or not to be independent.   Women who have gotten a hold of this whole “independent movement” and taken it to the extreme say to be independent means “I need no one, I am my own woman.  Hear me roar!” In the hands of a man the whole I only like independent women movement leaves women wining and dining the men saying she got it, picking up tabs all the time.     With so many suggestions from popular culture and songs I’m not quite sure I’m buying into their ideologies of what it means to be or not to be an independent woman.  I don’t appreciate that Jamie and Neyo collabo trying to feed us with this erroneous idea of what it means.  Later for that reverse psychology business.   I don’t care what anyone says, what makes a woman independent can not be her ability and willingness to wine and dine a man!!  My grandmother always told me that you should date a man who can only do for you what you can’t do for yourself.   And I must admit that there is definitely some truth to that.

So what is it?   What does it mean to be independent?  I think it means that a woman is fully aware of her strength and her power yet also is willing to be vulnerable to a man to the RIGHT man.  Are we too far removed from the idea that men have specific roles that they should fill?  And an independent woman means to be able to do things for herself but allows a man to take his rightful position as provider.  A woman who will not be dependent on a man but one who maintains her own… her own identity, her own life, her own success but allows a man to share that space with her…by choice.

A Different Type of X-Y Factor

All men are the same. Wait, wait, wait…before you go preparing a three page response about how sexist of a statement that is, hear me out. And yes if a man were to say the same about women, I’d probably be offended and be drafting an entire rebuttal post in response to it. But let me qualify why I say this. There are certain things aside from a man’s physical makeup [which is the obvious] that make all men the same. And I’d like to submit that it is their genetic makeup, or the Y factor. There are certain character traits that are common to all men, certain behaviors, ways of processing information, ways of dealing with situations that can all be attributed to their Y chromosome. This is a scientific fact!!! Why else is it do you think that you can have a room full of different women, with a variety of personalities, various types of relationships with men from all different walks of life and they all have the same problems and complaints about these men. So, if I’m saying this, this perhaps pushes me into a corner where I’d also have to admit that the same can be said of women. And okay, I guess it’s true. I mean to some, this may not be new at all. But being boo-less gives you time to reflect on things and that is when you have your greatest epiphanies. Had I known this ahead of time, perhaps I would have approached some of my relationships a bit differently. When you are dating a man you think that the problems you have, the frustrations you experience, some character traits that you observe are unique to that one man but then you date someone else and you find that it is somehow all part of this universal male gene…that darned Y Chromosome. There are just some things that are present in all males, which could make the only culprit the Y Chromosomee. You begin to discover that the very things you faulted the previous man for, certainly are the things that you hadn’t expected to be present in the current boo, but surprise, surprise, there they are again. They are inescapable. The very things that may have contributed to break up with boo # 1, are staring you face to face in boo # 2. This could only mean one thing, whether you like it or not… it will be present in boos 3, 4 and 5 as well. Your options are to get used to it, understand it as best you can, not take it personally, or try to change some things that would require you to change the genetic makeup of the man altogether. In other words, it’s impossible. It all makes me want to apologize to the previous man. Like: Boo, those things I faulted you for… I’ve come to realize are completely beyond your control, are totally not your fault and can most definitely be chalked up to your y-chromosome. It’s embedded in your genetic makeup man and for that, how could I hold it against you. In fact if I were to hold it against you, I would have to hold it against all of the male species and that just would not be right. I understand a little better now why this preacher said at a wedding: there are some things that you two will never be able to see eye to eye on. Men and women have two very different predispositions. But it’s true that the same instruments that play so harmoniously in a band are the same instruments when played at the same time that that can also sound chaotic. Practice, dedication, patience, and flexibility make all the world of difference in the making of beautiful music together or the makings of discord…both in the world of music and in relationships.