The Cookie Crumbles

Random.  Out of no where.  I know.  Just flow with it.  It’s just one of a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle that is hard for me to piece together right now.  But as I sit back and think, randomly I’m reminded of tidbits of conversations we had,  snap shots of memories both good and bad come into focus and the only therapy is to write it out as I make my come back to the Boo-Less Life.

He told me he spoke to his mother.  About me.  He said she said I seem lost.  But what else would I be?  I didn’t have a Plan B.  I didn’t have a back up.  No alternate plan laid out.  He was it.  Or at least that was the hope.  You don’t pack your things up and walk away from people who have been there for you your whole life with the intent of going back permanently.  You don’t ignore the warnings of those closest to you about someone not being good for you, to have to come back and say they were right.  You do it because you believe in the future of what you’re leaving for and who you’re leaving with.  You do it because you believe in love- your love.  But then it all turns to dust in your hands.  And then what?

Sure we talked about  there not being an “us” some day, in moments of frustration.   People say things they don’t mean then, right?  But up until now that’s all it  was- talk.  The reality is that the talks manifested.  And I want to say that after almost an entire month I’m not still so lost, but I am.  The sense of feeling lost results when you build a life together with someone.  Create memories with them.  Share moments and watch in irony as the things you created together while laughing are the same things that leave you crying in their absence.  When something happens that your boo would normally be the first person you call and share it with and you realize you no longer can, wouldn’t you feel lost too?  Wouldn’t you feel lost if the place you called home, you can no longer?  Some say that is just the way the cookie crumbles.  You live, you love, you lose.  But maybe I was wrong because I made him my world.  And it feels like my world- just crumbled.  Forgive me if I feel lost but I feel I lost a part of me.   It’s like my heart and humpty dumpty traded places.  If your heart was shattered in a million pieces, I’m sure you would have a hard time being put back together again too.

The Vice of Expections

It never fails, there are somethings that, will always get us into trouble. And I have found “expectations” to be one of those things that almost always gets me into trouble and sabotages relationships.  It would do us all some good if we could identify them early on so this way we won’t keep hitting the same pot hole expecting miraculously that this time we’ll miss it without any effort on our part.  Here’s a surefire way, a formula if you will, that will leave you both frustrated and disappointed every time:

Expectations + Emotions = Enormous Problems

Apparently expectations are the enemy and a more easy-going approach is the key when it comes to others and relationships.  Because when we begin to think that others are supposed to do certain things and we anticipate a certain behavior from them (sometimes without them even being in the know about it) and we invest a lot of emotions in and around them doing these things, boy are we just asking for trouble when they don’t follow up the way we thought they should.  You thought he should have or would have called you back or texted you by now but he hasn’t [common complaints due to expectations].  And I’m guessing that at the heart of every an unmet expectation is an assumption that the other person understands things exactly the way you do and that is just a down right untruth.

When it comes to expectations it just seems like they do a whole lot more harm then good.  Maybe we’d do better to eliminate them all together.  At least I am finding that to be the more effective approach.

A Fighting Chance

This is filed under Lessons I’ve Learned in Love, yet I feel the need to express that I made an error when naming this category.  Lessons I’m Learning in Love would be the more accurate description because I have by no means arrived.  Still trying to understand some things, while grappling with others that only make me think that the more I think I know, circumstances invariably have a way of showing me I haven’t the slightest clue.  That being said I hope I haven’t misled anyone with the title of this post.  I really just wanted to talk about times in one’s life where you’ve fought for a relationship.  Be it a romantic one with someone who may not have necessarily felt the same way or even a friendship.

Someone approached me recently who seemed to be putting up a fight for our friendship, insisting that we pick up where we left off.  And while I’ll admit I was flattered, I was also saddened that I’ve never had the courage to do likewise.  My response was:

There are some people in my life that have walked away from me, and I let them even if I would have preferred that they stay.  I may have had tears in my eyes and a broken heart yet I let them go.  There are people I’ve walked away from; some I’m sure probably didn’t even deserve it (and I guess due to my unwillingness to put forth effort or even forgive it ended); then there are people that I pushed away that I’m sure probably still wonder til this day why (and sometimes there’s not even a reason, it just happens, lack of proximity, etc).  I’ve come to the point in my life where I don’t fight for people and relationships. I don’t know if it’s a good place to be or not.  What is messed up is that if someone doesn’t say anything to me I’ll just move on as if nothing.  Not that I don’t feel anything but I won’t allow myself to.  Yet at other moments I find myself frustrated because of it.  Frustrated because I don’t show the true nature of my feelings toward people.  Having said all of that, I recognize that as a problem (as it is a complaint of many people to me) that I just seeming cut people off completely.  And I’m learning that it’s a defense mechanism more than anything.

What do you guys think?  Are there any relationships in your life worth fighting for?  And under what conditions do you fight for one or just let it slip away?

When Love Bites

I don’t think we realize just how powerful our thoughts are and just how much a seemingly simple belief can effect our life.  From major ways to your views/beliefs about intimacy to small things like can men and women be just friends, these ideas shape our philosophy and ultimately find themselves woven into the very the fabric of our lives and relationships.  I mention this because I personally happen to believe that men and women can’t just be friends because eventually one if not both will start to develop feelings.  That thought was followed by a simultaneous one that a man and woman won’t even embark on a friendship unless one finds the other remotely attractive.  And it’s a belief of mine that I’ve never questioned and therefore have lived by it, until now.  So I’ve gone from thinking, it can’t be possible to wondering if in fact it could be.  The jury is still out so I’ll get back to you on that.  But I most certainly welcome your input. 

Which leads me to the focus of this post which is, believe it or not: can you be friends with an ex?  I was talking with my mother one day and for some reason she mentioned that once a dog attacks a human, they have to be put to sleep because once they taste human blood, they will always have an appetite and propensity to do it again.  I was shocked to have heard that because it’s something I was never aware of previously.  But it made a great deal of sense and it made me think of when “love bites” in the sense that once you’ve experienced being in a relationship with a person, is it possible to just be friends?  Or will your heart always yearn to experience the feelings that so dear to you?  And in those instances is it best to just put the entire relationship to sleep?  Or is one capable of having a platonic friendship with someone you previously called boo?  When love bites, do you go on as if it never did?

The [Ex] Dating Game?

Dating The Ex:

The appeal of dating the ex:

All the unanswered questions… answered?  All the would have, should have, and could have beens… ceased?  Unfinished business inevitably… handled?  One would think. But not so.

What actually happens when you date the ex:

But while old sets of questions may find solutions, they are exchanged for new sets of questions that are even more challenging and complex than before.  Only these are never resolved.  Both parties are left regretful that they risked the comfort of the uncomfortable old and replaced them for what they assumed would be resolution with the new.

What you learn from dating the ex:

Instead you learn that perhaps the past… is best left… in the past.  The memories of yester-year, should thus remain for to attempt their reenactment, and duplication would only prove foolishly immature, frustrating naive and unsuccessful at best.  To hope that they’d be recaptured, that the memories the years of separation left you with would somehow play themselves out in reality again, only prove that you can’t hit the rewind or slow motion buttons on life, love and especially past relationships– though you may try.  While old issues may have been laid to rest, new ones emerge.  The bumps in the road that may have rocked the relationship in the past are of an entirely different magnitude than the pot holes you run into when you repeat relationships.

Conclusions about dating the ex:

Flickers don’t always have to be rekindled into flames.  To do so is to play with fire which always leaves one or more persons burned, severely.  Flickers also cast shadows on our minds and hearts so that thoughts of love lost appear greater than reality will prove they are and really were.  But curiosity sometimes makes us add fuel to that fire as opposed to blowing that candle out as should be done.  But curiosity can not only be attributed to the death of the cat, but the death of the sweetness of memories, of the idea of perfect love and of the mystery of unresolved, unfinished love stories and romances with ex’s.  Something I’ve learned to not tamper with… a game I’ve learned I’d rather not play.

Don’t play the ex dating game

Oh Baby Yoooouuuu….

You got what I need!! Throw back song right there y’all but timeless in its message, at least for me.  See here’s why, there are some women who proclaim to not need men.  They are phenomenal women by all intents and purposes.  They usually enjoy great success in their careers, are financially stable and can pay their own bills, vacations, cars, etc.   Are intelligent and have put themselves through school and have several degrees.  They may even be handy around the house and know how to fix things.  And usually they’ve been very badly burned by some boy who only professed to be a man.  And so they rally:  What do I need a man for?  I’m my own woman! I got my own!  I’m independent!! And that’s cool and all, but I must say  that I am not in that camp!  I need a man, but the key is I don’t need just any old type of man.  And while I recognize my need for a man, that need does not have me.  I am not at the mercy of that need.  I have choices and options.

And while I admire such women’s success in virtually every area of their life, their lack of success in relationships is something that doesn’t rest comfortably with me.  I can’t help but wonder if they are genuinely content at the prospect of never being with a man or if they use their other accomplishments as a mask to hide behind because they’re actually afraid of being vulnerable to love.  But maybe us women shouldn’t put an exclamation point after the statement:  I don’t need a man! Instead maybe we need to change up that statement to read:  I don’t need a man WHO… And I’m sure almost every woman can go on and on filling in that blank.

But it is true that there are CERTAIN men that women JUST DO NOT NEED.  But to concluded that as a woman I DO NOT NEED A MAN is problematic.  We just have to be a little more selective with who we sing oh baby you got what I need to.  

A Worth While Investment

Let’s face it… relationships are expensive! And I don’t mean financially either [well on second thought, I've had my share of those types of relationships as well-- another story for another time].  But I’m more so talking about how taxing they can be emotionally, how costly they are in regards to your mental stability at times.   The enormous amount of time they demand.   All these things considered I’ve come to realize that relationships are investments and investments, all too often, I’ve made in haste, only to discover it wasn’t worth while.  They appeared promising at first glance but at a deeper level, have only taught me that everything that glitters is definitely not gold.  Don’t get me wrong, it took me quite some time to learn this lesson.  Countless attempts I’ve made to yield a return on the love, dedication and emotion I’ve expended in a relationship only to some how came up short.  At other times the care and nurture I’ve put into building was met by all my efforts being undermined, unknowingly uprooted and replaced with weeds.   Every time it was a different character yet producing the same results namely, me being left bankrupt with all the vibrant and compassionate me I’ve invested handed back to me broken and in pieces–depleted and severely exhausted.  Reaping what I had not sown for, receiving nothing I had intended and very far from what I had given.

I don’t know how some do it; embark on more relationships than you can be counted on one or both hands.  Guess for some it provides a sense of accomplishment, adds notches to the good ol’ belt.  But as for me, I’ve learned that relationships are things I’ll handle with care, my fragility has been ill-handled far too many time for me to entrust it to just anyone, yet again.  I’m only making investments with partners [boos] that are willing to bring just as much if not more to the table than I am.  I’m making investments that are not just good for just a little while but investments that are worth while and consider both parties best interest and good in the end.

What You Watching For?

They say watched pots never boil.  And although it is most applicable as a metaphor, things really do seem to take a longer time to cook when you’re eyeing it.  I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve stirred a pot full of food on an empty stomach and it feeling like it took an eternity to finally be ready.   But this expression got me to thinking about how many other areas in our lives this concept applies to.   And the truth of the matter is that it’s all a matter of perspective.  In all actuality it takes the same amount of time to cook the same meal whether you’re hungry or full but your condition is going to color your perspective greatly and I’d argue that the same is true of relationships.

Why does it seem that the more you want a relationship, the longer it takes to finally come about?  The more you desire companionship, the further away all prospects seem to be?   I’ve come to learn that it’s the same principle as the watched pot, it always boils… eventually, just not as fast as we would have liked.  So what do we coin a new phrase?  Watched relationships never come to fruition.  Only they do, with time, they spring up from even the most deserted fields of singleness.  The seed of it had been hidden so deep underneath the parched surface it was almost impossible to believe it was there.  But it was and it does spring up when you least expect it. 

So what are you waiting for?  Get on with your life.  Enjoy it.  Single life is time you never get back once you take that plunge into the never-ending abyss of love, romance and coupledom.  Stop watching and waiting for life to start once you find a boo and start watering your life with new discoveries of you!  It’s only when you try to run on empty that you’re heightened to the emptiness that’s around you to distract you from the real emptiness that’s with in.

No Wonderland

I’m back!!!  It seems that while walking through this boo-less life, I stumbled and fell down a hole similar to that of Alice in Wonderland.  Of course I found out much like Alice, that even “Wonderland” or “Boo-Land” is not all I thought, envisioned or let alone imagined it would be.  The  escape I sought from my boo-less situation by being in a relationship, only left me wanting to escape that to return back to where I began.  And much like Dorothy, I’ve come to realize that indeed, there is no place like home.  Home, meaning not only this blog, but me.  Doing what I love to do, being independent, and being fabulous.  Fierce yet single.

I don’t quite know how it happens though, whether you get hit over the head by love and wind up in this far away land following a yellow brick road or if the intoxicating fumes of a boo’s love potion put you to sleep so that you wind up in a place that you eventually come to realize that you don’t belong in, let alone fit in.  You soon find yourself chasing after a man who always seems to be late for a very important date that never involves you.  You exhaust yourself trying to fit into a world that was not designed for your existence or presence and it finally hits you that the grass is never greener on the other side; you’ve only imagined it to be.

Stay tuned.  More to come about my encounters while in “Wonderland”.  Just hope this story ends as happily ever after as it does in the movies.

Knocked Down

Just when I was certain I had regained my footing from the last time “love” knocked me down, I find myself yet again heeding the advice of Kanye and Keri’s collabo- just get back up when it knocks you down. And when I say knocked down I don’t mean it in a good sense. More life the rug has been pulled from under you–knocked down. I wasn’t looking for love, yet some how it knocked on my heart’s door and as reluctant as I was to let it in, I fell victim to it’s persistent knocking never even once considering that I could in turn myself wind up knocked down. I wish I could say with certainty that there are only a specific number of times in one’s life that could leave one knocked down by love. Like after three times it’s harder for love to creep up on you and over take you, at least not to the same degree it did previously. But of that I can’t be certain.

I wonder what really is knocking us down though? Is it love or is it the reality check/shock that our expectations have yet again gone unfulfilled and that maybe just maybe they are more unrealistic then we’ve ever considered? That the dreams we’ve once held and the perfect relationship dynamics we paint in our minds are crumbling, and the pain of that alone is what knocks us down.  Can love and the success of our relationships really be boiled down to what happens when our hopes collide with our realities.  Is  defeating the imaginary, fairy tale the great battle we must all wage war against in life?   Perhaps if we’re successful in knocking that down the less likely we are to be knocked down when love doesn’t go our way.