Business Parter or Boo

Now we have all heard that business and pleasure don’t mix, right?  Wrong!!!  Because so much emphasis is placed on the fact that the two should not be mixed,  we fail to acknowledge when the two should–romantic relationships.  Maybe its the appeal of the forbidden that leaves these two being mixed in the workplace but if we understood it properly maybe it would revolutionize the most important relationships we have–on the home front.  Business and pleasure?  Must they be mutually exclusive spheres we operate in?  Shouldn’t we endeavor to blend the two and acknowledge that how we operate in each role is critical to the fulfillment and functionality of our relationship.  I would gather that most successful relationships have learned that there must be a balance of both business and pleasure.  If the relationship pendulum swings too much and stays too long on either side then it will only result in frustration.  But frustration of different sorts.

Relationships are likened to business partnerships. Rappers comment that sometimes trying to work out a relationship “might be a bad business choice” (Dueces Remix).  And while we chuckle at the comparison, relationships are partnerships– two people working together to accomplish a certain goal.  Two pooling their resources together, financial as well as intellectual and social to be the right hand man or woman to the other.

And they lived happily ever after right?

If it were only that simple.

I think problems arise in relationships when both parties assume one role to the exclusion of the other.  If one partner is strictly operating in business partner mode while the other is exclusively boo,  you have two people operating in two different modes, speaking two different languages, trying to exchange very different capital.  Both are left frustrated to say the least.

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There are certain things we have come to expect in a business setting.  If we are mature and realistic we understand that the office is not necessary the place we look for friends.  We understand that the nature of the relations we have there are to be professional and reciprocal– I know this and I can help you with this aspect of business, you know that and can help me with that aspect of business. We associate with people because they can get us where we need to be.   So we basically use each other and get paid by the company who is using (sometimes even exploiting us).  But that is the nature of business.  It is mechanical, careful, calculated, and robotic even.  We don’t expect these same behaviors to manifest in our romantic relationships.   The beauty of a relationship with a boo is that you can dress a similar dynamic up with the nice-ities of pet names and infuse the otherwise mechanical process of exchange with romance.  It breathes life into the business partnership, that is if there is the right mix of business and pleasure.  And at least there is an element of caring for the individuals well being and person outside of what they can “do for you” that we look for in romantic relationships that sets them apart drastically from the strictly arms length distance we are kept at from business partners.  At least that is the hope.

Here are some examples of frustrations that result when business and pleasure are mixed disproportionately in a relationship:

Both Parties are Business Partners:

When both parties approach the relationship as exclusively business partners lots of things get done and accomplished for the               couple outwardly.  It is very formal and robotic even.  Devoid of passion and appreciation of the other.  Emotionally un-fulfilling, cold and distant

Both Parties are Boos:

Probably the relationship most of us had in our youth.  Basically nothing gets done.  All that matters is how attractive the other person is and that you can spend as much time with each other as you can.  No goals, no objectives, not much responsibility.  Just boo-loving.

One Party is Exclusively Business Partner,While the Other, Boo:

Business Partner views the boo as irresponsible, negligent, carefree and not holding up their end of the bargain in terms of contributing to the larger scheme of things.  Boo accuses Business Partner of being insensitive, non-chalante, detached, removed, distant and only using boo as a means to an end.

Maybe the whole of relationships is an art where balancing the role of business partner/boo will create either a masterpiece on the canvas of a relationship or just one big old mess.  Which one are you?  ARE YOU OPERATING IN STRICTLY BUSINESS PARTNER MODE AND VIEWING YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER AS SUCH, AS MERELY A BUSINESS PARTNER?   I am certain that no matter which role you assure, there are adjustments that can be made to enhance the flavor of your Boo-siness Partnership.

Leap of Love

 

Couldn't find a more gracious, feminine looking diver (guess this will suffice)

 

I’m back!!!!!

I know it has been forever.  Did you miss me???  Well I’ll explain everything as time progresses.  Let’s just say I have been thoroughly enjoying the “un-boo-less” life for the past few months.  I don’t know how to insert an asterisk and the word “un” to the blogs title (if someone does please let me know), so I thought it strange to continue blogging here when I am  no longer booless.   I reckoned it would be a contradiction of sorts, misleading and… well you get it.  I certainly did not want to begin receiving hate mail from the singles club ousting me from the group.  In any event, I have come to learn now, more so than ever before that I just love writing and for that reason can’t seem to stay away.  So while the content may be slightly different, I’m sure there will be something everyone (boo-ed up or not) can relate to.  At least that is my hope.

That’s it for my disclaimer.  And now that the preliminaries are out of the way (well sort of)… on with the good stuff.

I can’t say I haven’t taken what I would consider leaps in the name of love in the past.  Guess what makes this current leap different was that the past leaps were primarily me wishfully thinking the person I was looking to leap for would morph into someone other than they were.  So I leaped in the “well, they aren’t everything I was looking for, but we’ll try to make this work” sense– love conquers all kind of thing.  The leap of love I reference now though is certainly of an entirely different magnitude.  I decided to leap because of love, not in the hopes that I’d stumble upon it and serendipitously find it.  Love makes sacrifices and does so willingly after all right?  So this leap leaves me halfway across the country so that every spare moment the boo has, we can spend it together (well at least that was my hope).  Funny how the way our imaginations paint pictures somehow look slightly blurred and distorted compared to the portrait of reality.  This leap also leaves me with an extraordinary amount of time on my hands.  I heard someone say that we need to spend time with ourselves so we can get to know who we really are.  I have an awful lot of learning to do.  But time no less–and while it is perfect for blogging but the flip side of it is the enormous amount to time I have to think about life, love, and the like.  They say love is the most discussed topics in all of human history.  The most written about, the most complex, the thing that has lead to the most confusion and study.  I think we can all understand why.

And while there are a plethora of reasons why people take leaps in life, how many people still take leaps of love?  And if people are leaping for love all the time, are they leaping together in the name of love or is it one party leaping for love while the other is leaping for an entirely different reason?  If two people leap together but for different reasons, it eventually becomes apparent.  What are you leaping for?

The Vice of Expections

It never fails, there are somethings that, will always get us into trouble. And I have found “expectations” to be one of those things that almost always gets me into trouble and sabotages relationships.  It would do us all some good if we could identify them early on so this way we won’t keep hitting the same pot hole expecting miraculously that this time we’ll miss it without any effort on our part.  Here’s a surefire way, a formula if you will, that will leave you both frustrated and disappointed every time:

Expectations + Emotions = Enormous Problems

Apparently expectations are the enemy and a more easy-going approach is the key when it comes to others and relationships.  Because when we begin to think that others are supposed to do certain things and we anticipate a certain behavior from them (sometimes without them even being in the know about it) and we invest a lot of emotions in and around them doing these things, boy are we just asking for trouble when they don’t follow up the way we thought they should.  You thought he should have or would have called you back or texted you by now but he hasn’t [common complaints due to expectations].  And I’m guessing that at the heart of every an unmet expectation is an assumption that the other person understands things exactly the way you do and that is just a down right untruth.

When it comes to expectations it just seems like they do a whole lot more harm then good.  Maybe we’d do better to eliminate them all together.  At least I am finding that to be the more effective approach.

When Love Bites

I don’t think we realize just how powerful our thoughts are and just how much a seemingly simple belief can effect our life.  From major ways to your views/beliefs about intimacy to small things like can men and women be just friends, these ideas shape our philosophy and ultimately find themselves woven into the very the fabric of our lives and relationships.  I mention this because I personally happen to believe that men and women can’t just be friends because eventually one if not both will start to develop feelings.  That thought was followed by a simultaneous one that a man and woman won’t even embark on a friendship unless one finds the other remotely attractive.  And it’s a belief of mine that I’ve never questioned and therefore have lived by it, until now.  So I’ve gone from thinking, it can’t be possible to wondering if in fact it could be.  The jury is still out so I’ll get back to you on that.  But I most certainly welcome your input. 

Which leads me to the focus of this post which is, believe it or not: can you be friends with an ex?  I was talking with my mother one day and for some reason she mentioned that once a dog attacks a human, they have to be put to sleep because once they taste human blood, they will always have an appetite and propensity to do it again.  I was shocked to have heard that because it’s something I was never aware of previously.  But it made a great deal of sense and it made me think of when “love bites” in the sense that once you’ve experienced being in a relationship with a person, is it possible to just be friends?  Or will your heart always yearn to experience the feelings that so dear to you?  And in those instances is it best to just put the entire relationship to sleep?  Or is one capable of having a platonic friendship with someone you previously called boo?  When love bites, do you go on as if it never did?

To Be or Not To Be…

Independent, that is the question. But not so much should you or shouldn’t you be independent, but what exactly does it mean for a woman to be independent.  What happened to the days when independence meant FREEDOM?   Now the word has taken on so many different meanings, it’s hard to determine what it means to be or not to be independent.   Women who have gotten a hold of this whole “independent movement” and taken it to the extreme say to be independent means “I need no one, I am my own woman.  Hear me roar!” In the hands of a man the whole I only like independent women movement leaves women wining and dining the men saying she got it, picking up tabs all the time.     With so many suggestions from popular culture and songs I’m not quite sure I’m buying into their ideologies of what it means to be or not to be an independent woman.  I don’t appreciate that Jamie and Neyo collabo trying to feed us with this erroneous idea of what it means.  Later for that reverse psychology business.   I don’t care what anyone says, what makes a woman independent can not be her ability and willingness to wine and dine a man!!  My grandmother always told me that you should date a man who can only do for you what you can’t do for yourself.   And I must admit that there is definitely some truth to that.

So what is it?   What does it mean to be independent?  I think it means that a woman is fully aware of her strength and her power yet also is willing to be vulnerable to a man to the RIGHT man.  Are we too far removed from the idea that men have specific roles that they should fill?  And an independent woman means to be able to do things for herself but allows a man to take his rightful position as provider.  A woman who will not be dependent on a man but one who maintains her own… her own identity, her own life, her own success but allows a man to share that space with her…by choice.

A Worth While Investment

Let’s face it… relationships are expensive! And I don’t mean financially either [well on second thought, I've had my share of those types of relationships as well-- another story for another time].  But I’m more so talking about how taxing they can be emotionally, how costly they are in regards to your mental stability at times.   The enormous amount of time they demand.   All these things considered I’ve come to realize that relationships are investments and investments, all too often, I’ve made in haste, only to discover it wasn’t worth while.  They appeared promising at first glance but at a deeper level, have only taught me that everything that glitters is definitely not gold.  Don’t get me wrong, it took me quite some time to learn this lesson.  Countless attempts I’ve made to yield a return on the love, dedication and emotion I’ve expended in a relationship only to some how came up short.  At other times the care and nurture I’ve put into building was met by all my efforts being undermined, unknowingly uprooted and replaced with weeds.   Every time it was a different character yet producing the same results namely, me being left bankrupt with all the vibrant and compassionate me I’ve invested handed back to me broken and in pieces–depleted and severely exhausted.  Reaping what I had not sown for, receiving nothing I had intended and very far from what I had given.

I don’t know how some do it; embark on more relationships than you can be counted on one or both hands.  Guess for some it provides a sense of accomplishment, adds notches to the good ol’ belt.  But as for me, I’ve learned that relationships are things I’ll handle with care, my fragility has been ill-handled far too many time for me to entrust it to just anyone, yet again.  I’m only making investments with partners [boos] that are willing to bring just as much if not more to the table than I am.  I’m making investments that are not just good for just a little while but investments that are worth while and consider both parties best interest and good in the end.

Boofully Employed

I know I’ve been MIA. I’ll suffice my hiatus to say I’ve been “collecting more data” and content for this blog. Namely playing the field and conducting “research” so to speak. With lots to report back to all my fans who have missed me (or that I’ve imagined would), I figured I’d start with a phenomena that I am certain isn’t new, but one that is new to me. And that is men who instead of seeking to be gainfully employed, instead seek to be with women who can supply their financial needs (amongst other things). I’m familiar with women being known as gold diggers, of which I, fortunately for the men I’ve been with; unfortunately for myself; have never been able to get with that program. But the notion of men whose profession it is to seek out women (instead of jobs) who will support them financially during this recession is something new to me. I remember hearing once that there are some homeless people who have become professionals at the art of begging (if indeed it can be termed an art). Instinctively knowing who and who not to ask for money and such. Do men have a sixth sense for this type of thing as well? Through careful observation, intuitively spotting women who wouldn’t mind supporting them? Or is it the woman’s fault for agreeing to be in a relationship with a man who is jobless under the guise of sticking by her man during a hard time that is to blame? Do some women put out ads unconsciously that read:

Woman seeking relationship. Any man will do. I am so starved for affection and attention that any man will do, even if you are broke.

Thoughts anyone?

Mr. Right or Mr. Right There

On the job front, a fellow co-worker received an email filled with what was titled:  A Hot Ghetto Mess.  So you have a plethora of disturbing photos of mostly black people doing/wearing the most outlandish things. Completely pointless and ridiculous, making fools out of not only themselves but every black person some people in other countries will ever know due to the world wide web.  The email was none the less circulated and my co-worker made a note worthy comment about it:  sometimes people are so desperate for attention that any attention even if it’s negative will do.  And of course, it got me to thinking about that statement in regards to relationships/men.  Couple that with various similar current life ”circumstances” of both myself and those close to me and the notion of settling raised by a fellow blog buddy… a new post was birthed. 

Are we settling for who I’d like to call Mr. Right There, because we are attention starved from a Mr. Right who only exists in our imagination.  A Mr. Right who we’ve only ever really seen in our dreams and can’t be certain he’ll ever appear.  But I do think the same notion of being so desperate for attention from a boo that you are willing to settle for who’s available right now even if we know they aren’t “the one”.  So what you wind up with is a whole lot of fill-ins.  Men who you allow to occupy the blank spaces of time in your life just because they are Right There, not even coming close to being the Mr. Rights we’ve been waiting to sweep us off our feet.  But not only are they available when we’d like them to be, they can’t really do any thing for us that we can’t do for ourselves.  We’re using them as place holders until the real one steps on the scene. 

Well then the question of why we allow this to take place must indefinitely arise.  And it’s because we’re so desperate for someone to occupy that space in our lives that anyone will do.  All the expectations we’ve held of Mr. Right are temporally abated and some times all that counts is that Mr. Right There, is right there just when we need him.  How minimum our requirements become when we’re “desperate”.  Would you prefer a Mr. Right who is seemingly delaying his arrival in your life indefinitely, or a Mr. Right There who is nothing we would have accepted under other circumstances?

Comfy Cozy

Ah yes, the infamous ”C” word.  It’s the thing we long for when we haven’t yet acquired it.  The thing we  come to loathe once we feel we’ve settled too much into it.  The thing we miss when we feel we’ve lost it.  It’s the glue that holds relationships together, the stamp of approval that seals the deal yet simultaneously the culprit of complacency and at the root of that nagging ”being taking for granted” feeling . 

Yup you guessed it…COMFORTABLY. It’s an expensive commodity–too little is not enough yet too much of it can be a negative thing as well.  Is this something we should strive for in our relationships?  If we were to list words we would like to describe our relationships with a “boo” would comfortable make the top ten list?  It’s a compliment for the one you’re with to say they feel “comfortable” around you.  Or is it?  When that comfortability translates into sharing the most intimate parts of your thought life with a person or feeling comfortable enough to have a bad hair day, then I’m all for it.  But when it translates into bad hair days for the rest of the time you two are together, is that when comfy cozy becomes foe rather than a friend?  And when feeling comfortable means you speak your mind 100% of the time without curtailing any thing you say, completely disregarding the other person’s views and perceptions of you…than the problems Houston had are nothing compared to the problems you and your boo will see.

Comfortability can all too often turn into a crutch as well.  The tingly feeling that was once coveted and sought after can suddenly become the only reason you remain in a relationship with someone.  When every thing else points to reasons why you should leave the person, “I’m comfortable with him/her”is certainly not an honorable reason to remain, yet for so many it is.  Is there a such thing as being too comfortable in a relationship?  When comfy-ness breeds complacency, it’s definitely time to rethink how cozy we’ve become. Are we making our living spaces too comfy for others who may not even belong there?

Catastrophic Consciousness?

Consciousness. 

• A point of awakening
• Being made aware of something that was previously unknown to you 
• A light bulb going off, illuminating what was once drowned out in darkness

This was the theme of my English class this semester.  What it means to be a conscious individual.  And although I learned a lot about the topic, the greatest lesson was learned not from a text book but from my own personal experience immediately following this class.  What I learned from the class was that once you’ve been made aware of something, you can’t just become unaware of it.  It requires an action or a response.   What I didn’t know was that there are different dynamics, stages even, that exist when we begin to deal with the issue of consciousness.  Namely:

• For starters there’s your life  as you’ve grown accustomed to it before you’re conscious of something
• Something is brought to your attention that you were previously unaware of, in fact you were operating in life as if the opposite were true
• The changes one undergoes as a result of that conscious
• The life that is invariably different as a result of that revelation

The immediate mental picture I get when I hear this word is one of a person who has been in a deep sleep and is suddenly awoken. And I’d love to believe that consciousness is most beneficial and optimal way to journey through life.   It’s the exact opposite of the less than enlightened “ignorane is bliss” philosophy.  And while I believe it to be a privledge; consciousness is certainly not for the faint in heart.  Consciousness will always lead to change… if it is faced with courage that is.

But I post this because apparently my theoritic, text book undertakings this semester so lovingly decide to manifest themselves in my life and so this is as autobiographical as it gets.  I found out a guy friend of mine who I’ve never looked at as any thing more sees me as much more than just a friend.  Having been made conscious of it, I am now conscious of feelings I never knew existed myself.  But my question or concern rather is : when consciousness hits our relationships, does it necessarily turn into catastrophy?  How does consciousness effect our relationships?  Does raising levels of consciousness in our relationships  automatically translate into:

1. Things will change
2. Things will never go back to being the same

For the sake of relationships is it best to adhere to:  what you don’t know won’t hurt you?

P.S.  I tried to not make this about me but the rules of the game have changed and I don’t like it!  Consciousness is supposed to be so wonderful so why is it feeling so catastrophic in this instance?