A Fighting Chance

This is filed under Lessons I’ve Learned in Love, yet I feel the need to express that I made an error when naming this category.  Lessons I’m Learning in Love would be the more accurate description because I have by no means arrived.  Still trying to understand some things, while grappling with others that only make me think that the more I think I know, circumstances invariably have a way of showing me I haven’t the slightest clue.  That being said I hope I haven’t misled anyone with the title of this post.  I really just wanted to talk about times in one’s life where you’ve fought for a relationship.  Be it a romantic one with someone who may not have necessarily felt the same way or even a friendship.

Someone approached me recently who seemed to be putting up a fight for our friendship, insisting that we pick up where we left off.  And while I’ll admit I was flattered, I was also saddened that I’ve never had the courage to do likewise.  My response was:

There are some people in my life that have walked away from me, and I let them even if I would have preferred that they stay.  I may have had tears in my eyes and a broken heart yet I let them go.  There are people I’ve walked away from; some I’m sure probably didn’t even deserve it (and I guess due to my unwillingness to put forth effort or even forgive it ended); then there are people that I pushed away that I’m sure probably still wonder til this day why (and sometimes there’s not even a reason, it just happens, lack of proximity, etc).  I’ve come to the point in my life where I don’t fight for people and relationships. I don’t know if it’s a good place to be or not.  What is messed up is that if someone doesn’t say anything to me I’ll just move on as if nothing.  Not that I don’t feel anything but I won’t allow myself to.  Yet at other moments I find myself frustrated because of it.  Frustrated because I don’t show the true nature of my feelings toward people.  Having said all of that, I recognize that as a problem (as it is a complaint of many people to me) that I just seeming cut people off completely.  And I’m learning that it’s a defense mechanism more than anything.

What do you guys think?  Are there any relationships in your life worth fighting for?  And under what conditions do you fight for one or just let it slip away?

Catastrophic Consciousness?

Consciousness. 

• A point of awakening
• Being made aware of something that was previously unknown to you 
• A light bulb going off, illuminating what was once drowned out in darkness

This was the theme of my English class this semester.  What it means to be a conscious individual.  And although I learned a lot about the topic, the greatest lesson was learned not from a text book but from my own personal experience immediately following this class.  What I learned from the class was that once you’ve been made aware of something, you can’t just become unaware of it.  It requires an action or a response.   What I didn’t know was that there are different dynamics, stages even, that exist when we begin to deal with the issue of consciousness.  Namely:

• For starters there’s your life  as you’ve grown accustomed to it before you’re conscious of something
• Something is brought to your attention that you were previously unaware of, in fact you were operating in life as if the opposite were true
• The changes one undergoes as a result of that conscious
• The life that is invariably different as a result of that revelation

The immediate mental picture I get when I hear this word is one of a person who has been in a deep sleep and is suddenly awoken. And I’d love to believe that consciousness is most beneficial and optimal way to journey through life.   It’s the exact opposite of the less than enlightened “ignorane is bliss” philosophy.  And while I believe it to be a privledge; consciousness is certainly not for the faint in heart.  Consciousness will always lead to change… if it is faced with courage that is.

But I post this because apparently my theoritic, text book undertakings this semester so lovingly decide to manifest themselves in my life and so this is as autobiographical as it gets.  I found out a guy friend of mine who I’ve never looked at as any thing more sees me as much more than just a friend.  Having been made conscious of it, I am now conscious of feelings I never knew existed myself.  But my question or concern rather is : when consciousness hits our relationships, does it necessarily turn into catastrophy?  How does consciousness effect our relationships?  Does raising levels of consciousness in our relationships  automatically translate into:

1. Things will change
2. Things will never go back to being the same

For the sake of relationships is it best to adhere to:  what you don’t know won’t hurt you?

P.S.  I tried to not make this about me but the rules of the game have changed and I don’t like it!  Consciousness is supposed to be so wonderful so why is it feeling so catastrophic in this instance?

You’ve Been Mistress-ed

 

Aight so check it. As you all can plainly see I have been a lot more frequent with my postings. More frequent posting has not meant more frequent visits or visitors but more material none the less. Reason for this being I was on vacation from my job. Yippee!! I returned today though *sigh* Any way I have so much more new material and I fear that if I don’t get it out of this head of mine it may be lost forever! Yikes!! So here goes nothing…Oh and by the way if you’re liking what you’re reading please feel free to express that. Sometimes a little validation goes a loooong way!

So the thought for the day is: Can you unknowingly be an accomplice in someone’s infidelity? Now I don’t mean you’re seeing a guy who never told you he had a boo and then you find out he’s been playing both of y’all at the same time. That’d be all too obvious and blatant. No, I’m talking about a more subtle type of cheating—perhaps emotional. So the scenario changes up a bit and becomes:

• Boy has boo
• Boy has you
• Boy and you are friends
• Boy and you are enjoying each other’s company
• It’s all innocent [to you]
• But if boy is investing so much time and energy in communicating with you…
• [Communication is unrelated to boys boo by the way]

 

Than what is really going on here?

Are we ladies inadvertently placing our selves in the midst of a potential Jerry Springer love triangle unbeknown-st to us? We’re just innocent by standers in this after all right? Or are we accomplices in helping this boy cheat on his boo emotionally under the guise of “just being friends”? And then what if all this time causes him to begin to question his relationship with his boo? At that point, are we really friend or foe?  You’ve been mistress-ed, new reality TV show headed your way.