The Cookie Crumbles

Random.  Out of no where.  I know.  Just flow with it.  It’s just one of a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle that is hard for me to piece together right now.  But as I sit back and think, randomly I’m reminded of tidbits of conversations we had,  snap shots of memories both good and bad come into focus and the only therapy is to write it out as I make my come back to the Boo-Less Life.

He told me he spoke to his mother.  About me.  He said she said I seem lost.  But what else would I be?  I didn’t have a Plan B.  I didn’t have a back up.  No alternate plan laid out.  He was it.  Or at least that was the hope.  You don’t pack your things up and walk away from people who have been there for you your whole life with the intent of going back permanently.  You don’t ignore the warnings of those closest to you about someone not being good for you, to have to come back and say they were right.  You do it because you believe in the future of what you’re leaving for and who you’re leaving with.  You do it because you believe in love- your love.  But then it all turns to dust in your hands.  And then what?

Sure we talked about  there not being an “us” some day, in moments of frustration.   People say things they don’t mean then, right?  But up until now that’s all it  was- talk.  The reality is that the talks manifested.  And I want to say that after almost an entire month I’m not still so lost, but I am.  The sense of feeling lost results when you build a life together with someone.  Create memories with them.  Share moments and watch in irony as the things you created together while laughing are the same things that leave you crying in their absence.  When something happens that your boo would normally be the first person you call and share it with and you realize you no longer can, wouldn’t you feel lost too?  Wouldn’t you feel lost if the place you called home, you can no longer?  Some say that is just the way the cookie crumbles.  You live, you love, you lose.  But maybe I was wrong because I made him my world.  And it feels like my world- just crumbled.  Forgive me if I feel lost but I feel I lost a part of me.   It’s like my heart and humpty dumpty traded places.  If your heart was shattered in a million pieces, I’m sure you would have a hard time being put back together again too.

Broken Hearted Deaths

I was in a meeting at work last week and someone made reference to a famous actor [whose name I would have been able to insert here had I been paying attention] dying as a result of what this woman believed to be a broken heart. Obviously the meeting had taken an unexpected turn and veered off to some unrelated tangent for her to have said that. After all I work with middle school students at present. However, after the statement was made, I completely tuned out all subsequent discussion because I knew a new blog entry had been born, namely: Can people really die of a broken heart? I have heard of people suspecting it to be the case, especially when the elderly die. Be it as a result of a loss of a child, parent or a spouse, despite what the medical research and autopsy’s offer as possible causes of death, countless people are convinced of death due to broken hearts. I have never heard of this being the case with young people though, for obvious reasons I suppose, with all the vitality and resilience young people possess, it’d be hard to imagine that one could experience so much pain in 20 years of existence that would result in a death due to broken-hearted-ness. Or could it? I understand that that same pain expounded upon after 40 and 60 years, eventually takes a toll on one heart and I could see it leading to physical death. And while there are articles out there to support this, you will never find one that references the many people who have died from a broken heart and are still alive. And that’s because they have died in a different sense of the word.

Hoping not to get off to too much of a tangent myself, I think what was said in The Secret Life of Bees, can add some clarity to the above statement. I’ll spare you the movie review but will suffice it to say that it was awesome, and there was one line in particular from the movie that really stood out to me; and it was that in life people can start out one way but after life gets through with them they come out completely different. If I could rephrase that for the purposes of this entry it would be that people [for all intents and purposes] do start out one way in life: perhaps vibrant, loving, pure, trusting, honest. Let’s just say for arguments sake their approach toward love is sincere, open hearted and genuine but after having ones heart broken, their is some type of death, and there is some type of loss of these previously existent attributes. We know this. How many people have we known who were one way before “love got through with them” and then they have been stripped of everything that made them who they were, they are unrecognizable even. Maybe not in a physical sense but in personality and character. And while this may sound extreme, in our own lives I am sure there have been accounts of even us dying as a result of a broken heart. Dying to the notion of true love maybe, deaths of trust and sincerity.

Whatever the case, If we could record it, there are more deaths from broken hearts than we know. People die everyday, yet they live on. People who are dead emotionally, walking around entering new relationships with other dead people, or even worse, those who have yet to experience death from a broken heart. Walking wounded, most completely unaware of when they even died to begin with. Heart transplant anyone?