A Worth While Investment

Let’s face it… relationships are expensive! And I don’t mean financially either [well on second thought, I've had my share of those types of relationships as well-- another story for another time].  But I’m more so talking about how taxing they can be emotionally, how costly they are in regards to your mental stability at times.   The enormous amount of time they demand.   All these things considered I’ve come to realize that relationships are investments and investments, all too often, I’ve made in haste, only to discover it wasn’t worth while.  They appeared promising at first glance but at a deeper level, have only taught me that everything that glitters is definitely not gold.  Don’t get me wrong, it took me quite some time to learn this lesson.  Countless attempts I’ve made to yield a return on the love, dedication and emotion I’ve expended in a relationship only to some how came up short.  At other times the care and nurture I’ve put into building was met by all my efforts being undermined, unknowingly uprooted and replaced with weeds.   Every time it was a different character yet producing the same results namely, me being left bankrupt with all the vibrant and compassionate me I’ve invested handed back to me broken and in pieces–depleted and severely exhausted.  Reaping what I had not sown for, receiving nothing I had intended and very far from what I had given.

I don’t know how some do it; embark on more relationships than you can be counted on one or both hands.  Guess for some it provides a sense of accomplishment, adds notches to the good ol’ belt.  But as for me, I’ve learned that relationships are things I’ll handle with care, my fragility has been ill-handled far too many time for me to entrust it to just anyone, yet again.  I’m only making investments with partners [boos] that are willing to bring just as much if not more to the table than I am.  I’m making investments that are not just good for just a little while but investments that are worth while and consider both parties best interest and good in the end.

Ring the Alarm

Perhaps this will be one of my most informal entries.  I have a thousand things to say yet have no idea how or where  to begin.  So many thoughts, yet organizing them right now will require more mental energy than I am willing or able to exert at this point (for various reasons).  And rightly so…this is an emergency…who can think straight under extreme conditions?  I’m just a little concerned and I think an alarm definitely needs to be sounded at the decline of eligible bachelors for those of us who are not getting any younger.  The older you get the margin of available men decreases more drastically than I am comfortable with.  It’s nothing new that the availability of men for black women is already low due to black men going to prison.  This is a dynamic that has been in place for quite some time, yet it never really concerned me until now. 

I have been about my boo-less life for some months now and I am becoming increasingly concerned as I see what various women older than myself are up against.  They are alone because there are no available men.  Either unavailable due to being married, being in a long term relationship, having several baby mama’s, or even worse yet, they are single but are emotionally unavailable.  What about the men that have grown so accustomed to the single, bachelor life-style that (1) they would not be wiling to exchange that for a serious committed relationship and (2) there is no woman I know that would ever be comfortable with it.

This is the part that alarms me…the implications!  What does all of this suggest?  What are our options? 

Does this “BOO-RECESSION” mean:

1. Whoever you can get that is half-way decent, you better hold on to ‘em?
2. Rather than deal with the fear of facing the rest of ones life alone, you settle for whoever is willing to be with you?
3. You lower your standards and assume the life-style of an eligible baccalaureate?  Not seeking any more than just a few flings so that your sexual itch is scratched?
4. You suffocate your dream of having a relationship with someone that is based on friendship, deep appreciation and admiration because like the job market, qualified men becoming obsolete?
5. My reservations against Jagged Edge, Let’s Get Married, don’t apply any more?  I used to hate this song.  How could a man site his number one reason for wanting to marry you was the fact that you two aren’t getting any younger.  These days I am beginning to understand that; even that admission now is regretful.

Can ones twenties be likened to the Bermuda Triangle?  They say once people travel in that area, they never return.  If you escape your twenties boo-less is it a Bermuda Triangle experience trying to find a man, or will you remain single for the rest of your life?  Ring the alarm…cause I’ll be darned if I leave my twenties without a boo on my arm!

Boo Fraud

Fraud of any shape, size and form is almost always punishable by law…operative word…almost. You know fraud… masquerading as something you aren’t…it’s a crime. But since when could countless individuals participate in fraudulent activities and escape not only unpunished by law but free to continue to engage in this activity hundreds of times over? Simple– boo fraud.

If we are going to define fraud the way the dictionary does, it’s a deliberate deception for unfair or unlawful gain or some one who is an impostor. By that definition alone, there are thousands of men who have become professionals in the “art” of fraudulent boo activities. What better way to accomplish their own ends, get their needs met, and get away scott free with unlimited access to any woman who is unsuspecting of the wolfish qualities they’ve so well learned to disguise in their sheep like threads. If this isn’t sufficient enough motive, I don’t know what is. But I’m beginning to think that these boo impostors- these men who purposely pretend to be your prince charming because they desperately desire the kiss they would never get had they revealed their true froggish natures, should be exposed.  No longer will lines such as:  don’t hate the player hate the game baby, ameliorate the situation.  We need to fight back.

Maybe just like child molesters in the neighborhood have their names in a database as to warn any one in their vicinity of their past misdeeds, too, these boo frauds need to be listed in a database, complete with track records and documentation from all their victims. Why should these men be allowed to pretend to be everything in a man you’ve ever dreamed of, make you fall in love with a lie and then vanish into mid air leaving one feeling like they’ve just woken up from an extremely bad dream. And here the woman is left to measure all potential future boos by a standard that was never even real to begin with.

I think that as with anything else, one becomes a fraud because they’ve come to think that they would be utter failures as the real deal. Maybe attempts in the past have rendered them unsuccessful at best and as a result they become quite content in the success they would have never gained other wise. But I wonder if there were a national database of men who are phonies, men to beware of because they spell nothing but trouble, would us women take heed? Or we would try our invincible superwoman hands at changing and molding even the most fraudulent of boos? Superwoman hands, should come with superwoman hearts too though, don’t you think?!

On a Sweeter Note… I Think

Someone sent me this text today.  And while it was refreshing in the sense that it makes you tilt your head to the side in a dreamy kind of way, just thinking what that type of man in your life would do for you, my bubble was instantly popped as the reality set in that (1)I am booless and (2) does such a man even exist?  I mean despite both of those simultaneous thoughts, a girl can dream can’t she?! 

Find the guy that calls you beautiful instead of hot

Who calls you back when you hang up on him

Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep

Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead

Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats

Who holds your hand in front of his friends

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you

Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says “that’s her.”

But now that I think about it, is half of this stuff even realistic?  Are “wish-lists” such as these the reason why so many women are disenfranchised today?  Could lists of expectations such as these be the reason behind the relationships we see crumbling around us?  Is it because we enter relationships with “laundry lists” of things that our boo must do for us or else that relationships are reduced to “be perfect or you can’t be with me”.  If a man does not live up to this tall order, does that mean that he should be “de-booed?  Let’s examine this:

Find the guy that calls you beautiful instead of hot

Personally I’d prefer the former term myself but there countless women who would opt for the latter.  So what happens then?  Does this point depend on the preference of the woman?  So does it mean, to the girl who prefers the term hot, if he calls you beautiful than he’s not “the one”? 

Who calls you back when you hang up on him

I must admit that if I do hang up in anger, it would be really nice to get a call back but in the event that he doesn’t call back, isn’t he justified in doing so.  Would that mean that he loved you any less?  I have my suspicions but some would argue that he is 250% correct for not calling back. Now I have had both happen, I’ve had boos who called me back if/when I hung up and I wished they hadn’t.  Then I had boos who never called back and well, that ended that relationship.  Case in point huh?!

 Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep

Yeah right.  It’s statements like these that get women into trouble.  You will wake up many a day sorely disappointed once you discover the man you thought you wake to staring at you has fallen fast asleep himself.

Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead

You know, yeah, this is always nice.  I agree.

Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats

Again, some woman should not be traveling all around the world in sweats to begin with.  No but seriously, this would be nice, ideal even, but reality?  I’m not so sure.  Is there a rule for this one?  Like after “x” amount of time, he should accept you for who you are?

Who holds your hand in front of his friends

Is this high school?  No, I guess the sentiment is that the same love, care, concern and affection he’d display in the absence of other people, he shouldn’t abandon in the presence of others including his friends which is a true statement and a valid point.

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you

Yeah, I’ll take this one too.  This is pretty important and realistic might I add.

Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says “that’s her.”

Drum roll please…..ahhh yes the moment we all wait for.

I am in no way trying to undermine the message.  I agree with it wholeheartedly.  But, if nothing more, or probably for myself, I was only trying to see this thing from a different perspective because I often time wonder how much trouble having a limited one gets us into.  And while this is probably every woman’s dream, it may will not necessarily turn into every woman’s reality.  Most women will eventually have to settle for as Angie Stone put it:  the man who loves you more than you love him.  Your thoughts?

Letting Go

I didn’t want to know when he let go

I’d like to believe that he was still holding the back of my seat while I rode

To know that his strong hand would catch my fall if I leaned too much to the left

Helped me keep my balance better

So every time I felt myself leaning too far to one side I’d shift my weight because I imagined

That his hand was there and would do it anyway

But I never looked back

Once I started riding, I just kept going

Looking back may have adversely effected me in more ways than I’ll know

Not only would it have slowed my progress, it would have left me frightened by his lack of presence

As opposed to delighted that the progress I made was mine alone

So I just didn’t look back

I guess I managed to convince myself that I couldn’t ride successfully without him

Every time I rode my bike before he was there to hold it for me

But one day, he let go

And before I knew it, I was riding like a pro

It was only then that I let go

Those moments of me struggling with whether he was there or not became so obsolete

I forgot there ever even existed a time

And as I pedaled away from childhood and rode on two-seat-er bikes as an adult

It wasn’t my father’s hand I wanted there to help me keep my balance

It was a boo’s I wanted there to keep me company

Keeping my balance I had mastered

And while I needed my father’s hand, it was a necessity

I opted to have my boos, it was sheer preference

I managed to convince myself that that route was much more delightful with the presence of a boo

So when he let go, though different from when my dad let go,

I handled both much the same

Just kept riding

Never looking back,

Never wanting to let go of the idea that I had been let go of

Until I was ready