Independent, that is the question. But not so much should you or shouldn’t you be independent, but what exactly does it mean for a woman to be independent.  What happened to the days when independence meant FREEDOM?   Now the word has taken on so many different meanings, it’s hard to determine what it means to be or not to be independent.   Women who have gotten a hold of this whole “independent movement” and taken it to the extreme say to be independent means “I need no one, I am my own woman.  Hear me roar!” In the hands of a man the whole I only like independent women movement leaves women wining and dining the men saying she got it, picking up tabs all the time.     With so many suggestions from popular culture and songs I’m not quite sure I’m buying into their ideologies of what it means to be or not to be an independent woman.  I don’t appreciate that Jamie and Neyo collabo trying to feed us with this erroneous idea of what it means.  Later for that reverse psychology business.   I don’t care what anyone says, what makes a woman independent can not be her ability and willingness to wine and dine a man!!  My grandmother always told me that you should date a man who can only do for you what you can’t do for yourself.   And I must admit that there is definitely some truth to that.

So what is it?   What does it mean to be independent?  I think it means that a woman is fully aware of her strength and her power yet also is willing to be vulnerable to a man to the RIGHT man.  Are we too far removed from the idea that men have specific roles that they should fill?  And an independent woman means to be able to do things for herself but allows a man to take his rightful position as provider.  A woman who will not be dependent on a man but one who maintains her own… her own identity, her own life, her own success but allows a man to share that space with her…by choice.

Dating The Ex:

The appeal of dating the ex:

All the unanswered questions… answered?  All the would have, should have, and could have beens… ceased?  Unfinished business inevitably… handled?  One would think. But not so.

What actually happens when you date the ex:

But while old sets of questions may find solutions, they are exchanged for new sets of questions that are even more challenging and complex than before.  Only these are never resolved.  Both parties are left regretful that they risked the comfort of the uncomfortable old and replaced them for what they assumed would be resolution with the new.

What you learn from dating the ex:

Instead you learn that perhaps the past… is best left… in the past.  The memories of yester-year, should thus remain for to attempt their reenactment, and duplication would only prove foolishly immature, frustrating naive and unsuccessful at best.  To hope that they’d be recaptured, that the memories the years of separation left you with would somehow play themselves out in reality again, only prove that you can’t hit the rewind or slow motion buttons on life, love and especially past relationships– though you may try.  While old issues may have been laid to rest, new ones emerge.  The bumps in the road that may have rocked the relationship in the past are of an entirely different magnitude than the pot holes you run into when you repeat relationships.

Conclusions about dating the ex:

Flickers don’t always have to be rekindled into flames.  To do so is to play with fire which always leaves one or more persons burned, severely.  Flickers also cast shadows on our minds and hearts so that thoughts of love lost appear greater than reality will prove they are and really were.  But curiosity sometimes makes us add fuel to that fire as opposed to blowing that candle out as should be done.  But curiosity can not only be attributed to the death of the cat, but the death of the sweetness of memories, of the idea of perfect love and of the mystery of unresolved, unfinished love stories and romances with ex’s.  Something I’ve learned to not tamper with… a game I’ve learned I’d rather not play.

Don’t play the ex dating game

“If that boy don’t love you by now,
He will never ever
never ever love you”

My thoughts exactly Ciara.

I don’t know if any one else can relate to this song, and more importantly being in this predicament. Being with a man whose professed love for you is not the least bit convincing. A woman’s intuition is a powerful thing and even though a man can claim to love you, that nagging feeling that he really doesn’t seems to drown out his claims. And there have certainly been times in my life, that if I had to choose a song to be the theme of my relationship, this would definitely be it.

Of course it makes me think what exactly is meant by “if that boy don’t love you by now”. And I guess each woman would have to fill in that blank for herself.

If that boy don’t love you after:

• You paid his cell phone bill
• Paid for his hair cuts
• You looked out for him
• You wined and dined him
• Took care of him
• You treated him like a king
• You tried to be the most supportive person to him
• After you slept with him
• You had his child

Then the truth of the matter is he will never ever love you. And although we’ve heard all our lives never say never, there comes a time when men cross certain lines in love and a “never” statement is in order. But I guess that’s what separates the men from the boys. Everybody knows that it’s only if you treat the GOOD MEN like kings, will they treat you like queens. When you treat boys like kings, because they are too immature to handle, recognize and appreciate the treatment, they misinterpret it as an entitlement instead of the privilege that it is and as a result, they will never ever love you.

You got what I need!! Throw back song right there y’all but timeless in its message, at least for me.  See here’s why, there are some women who proclaim to not need men.  They are phenomenal women by all intents and purposes.  They usually enjoy great success in their careers, are financially stable and can pay their own bills, vacations, cars, etc.   Are intelligent and have put themselves through school and have several degrees.  They may even be handy around the house and know how to fix things.  And usually they’ve been very badly burned by some boy who only professed to be a man.  And so they rally:  What do I need a man for?  I’m my own woman! I got my own!  I’m independent!! And that’s cool and all, but I must say  that I am not in that camp!  I need a man, but the key is I don’t need just any old type of man.  And while I recognize my need for a man, that need does not have me.  I am not at the mercy of that need.  I have choices and options.

And while I admire such women’s success in virtually every area of their life, their lack of success in relationships is something that doesn’t rest comfortably with me.  I can’t help but wonder if they are genuinely content at the prospect of never being with a man or if they use their other accomplishments as a mask to hide behind because they’re actually afraid of being vulnerable to love.  But maybe us women shouldn’t put an exclamation point after the statement:  I don’t need a man! Instead maybe we need to change up that statement to read:  I don’t need a man WHO… And I’m sure almost every woman can go on and on filling in that blank.

But it is true that there are CERTAIN men that women JUST DO NOT NEED.  But to concluded that as a woman I DO NOT NEED A MAN is problematic.  We just have to be a little more selective with who we sing oh baby you got what I need to.  

Let’s face it… relationships are expensive! And I don’t mean financially either [well on second thought, I've had my share of those types of relationships as well-- another story for another time].  But I’m more so talking about how taxing they can be emotionally, how costly they are in regards to your mental stability at times.   The enormous amount of time they demand.   All these things considered I’ve come to realize that relationships are investments and investments, all too often, I’ve made in haste, only to discover it wasn’t worth while.  They appeared promising at first glance but at a deeper level, have only taught me that everything that glitters is definitely not gold.  Don’t get me wrong, it took me quite some time to learn this lesson.  Countless attempts I’ve made to yield a return on the love, dedication and emotion I’ve expended in a relationship only to some how came up short.  At other times the care and nurture I’ve put into building was met by all my efforts being undermined, unknowingly uprooted and replaced with weeds.   Every time it was a different character yet producing the same results namely, me being left bankrupt with all the vibrant and compassionate me I’ve invested handed back to me broken and in pieces–depleted and severely exhausted.  Reaping what I had not sown for, receiving nothing I had intended and very far from what I had given.

I don’t know how some do it; embark on more relationships than you can be counted on one or both hands.  Guess for some it provides a sense of accomplishment, adds notches to the good ol’ belt.  But as for me, I’ve learned that relationships are things I’ll handle with care, my fragility has been ill-handled far too many time for me to entrust it to just anyone, yet again.  I’m only making investments with partners [boos] that are willing to bring just as much if not more to the table than I am.  I’m making investments that are not just good for just a little while but investments that are worth while and consider both parties best interest and good in the end.

They say watched pots never boil.  And although it is most applicable as a metaphor, things really do seem to take a longer time to cook when you’re eyeing it.  I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve stirred a pot full of food on an empty stomach and it feeling like it took an eternity to finally be ready.   But this expression got me to thinking about how many other areas in our lives this concept applies to.   And the truth of the matter is that it’s all a matter of perspective.  In all actuality it takes the same amount of time to cook the same meal whether you’re hungry or full but your condition is going to color your perspective greatly and I’d argue that the same is true of relationships.

Why does it seem that the more you want a relationship, the longer it takes to finally come about?  The more you desire companionship, the further away all prospects seem to be?   I’ve come to learn that it’s the same principle as the watched pot, it always boils… eventually, just not as fast as we would have liked.  So what do we coin a new phrase?  Watched relationships never come to fruition.  Only they do, with time, they spring up from even the most deserted fields of singleness.  The seed of it had been hidden so deep underneath the parched surface it was almost impossible to believe it was there.  But it was and it does spring up when you least expect it. 

So what are you waiting for?  Get on with your life.  Enjoy it.  Single life is time you never get back once you take that plunge into the never-ending abyss of love, romance and coupledom.  Stop watching and waiting for life to start once you find a boo and start watering your life with new discoveries of you!  It’s only when you try to run on empty that you’re heightened to the emptiness that’s around you to distract you from the real emptiness that’s with in.

I’m back!!!  It seems that while walking through this boo-less life, I stumbled and fell down a hole similar to that of Alice in Wonderland.  Of course I found out much like Alice, that even “Wonderland” or “Boo-Land” is not all I thought, envisioned or let alone imagined it would be.  The  escape I sought from my boo-less situation by being in a relationship, only left me wanting to escape that to return back to where I began.  And much like Dorothy, I’ve come to realize that indeed, there is no place like home.  Home, meaning not only this blog, but me.  Doing what I love to do, being independent, and being fabulous.  Fierce yet single.

I don’t quite know how it happens though, whether you get hit over the head by love and wind up in this far away land following a yellow brick road or if the intoxicating fumes of a boo’s love potion put you to sleep so that you wind up in a place that you eventually come to realize that you don’t belong in, let alone fit in.  You soon find yourself chasing after a man who always seems to be late for a very important date that never involves you.  You exhaust yourself trying to fit into a world that was not designed for your existence or presence and it finally hits you that the grass is never greener on the other side; you’ve only imagined it to be.

Stay tuned.  More to come about my encounters while in “Wonderland”.  Just hope this story ends as happily ever after as it does in the movies.

I know I’ve been MIA. I’ll suffice my hiatus to say I’ve been “collecting more data” and content for this blog. Namely playing the field and conducting “research” so to speak. With lots to report back to all my fans who have missed me (or that I’ve imagined would), I figured I’d start with a phenomena that I am certain isn’t new, but one that is new to me. And that is men who instead of seeking to be gainfully employed, instead seek to be with women who can supply their financial needs (amongst other things). I’m familiar with women being known as gold diggers, of which I, fortunately for the men I’ve been with; unfortunately for myself; have never been able to get with that program. But the notion of men whose profession it is to seek out women (instead of jobs) who will support them financially during this recession is something new to me. I remember hearing once that there are some homeless people who have become professionals at the art of begging (if indeed it can be termed an art). Instinctively knowing who and who not to ask for money and such. Do men have a sixth sense for this type of thing as well? Through careful observation, intuitively spotting women who wouldn’t mind supporting them? Or is it the woman’s fault for agreeing to be in a relationship with a man who is jobless under the guise of sticking by her man during a hard time that is to blame? Do some women put out ads unconsciously that read:

Woman seeking relationship. Any man will do. I am so starved for affection and attention that any man will do, even if you are broke.

Thoughts anyone?

Since I’ve turned 25, this point couldn’t have been made any more clear to me: people are unsculptable. Yes I just made up a word. Haven’t found a word in the dictionary to drive the point home as clear as I would have liked. So when all else fails, make up your own word. And along with my own word comes my own definitions:

Unsculptable: not able to be changed, altered (not even a little bit), bent or shaped or fashioned by you

I’ve learned that no attempt at changing someone, is ever going to work.  No amount of hoping you model behavior that you would like the person you are in a relationship with to imitate will work either.  No amount of schooling will do it.  You will never have to tell a man in love what to do.  But it’s when you attempt to tell a man who isn’t in love how to imitate the actions of one who is, frustration is not even an adequate description of how it feels.

And I suppose part of the problem lies in making someone your own personal project.  Thinking that there is a chance that you could fashion them after your own liking.  Change their definition of who they are when they are in a relationship with you.  But just like I made up my own word and my own definition, people do that with themselves and their relationships.  People are their own person and with being your own person comes your own definitions of what it means to be you.  People form their own relationships and they come up with their own definitions of what it means to be in a relationship with you.

You’ll know when you’ve found the right person for you when you both understand, appreciate and are satisfied with all the made up definitions of that person.  And you don’t feel the need to alter that person’s definition of either themselves or who they are when they are with you in a relationship.

Just when I was certain I had regained my footing from the last time “love” knocked me down, I find myself yet again heeding the advice of Kanye and Keri’s collabo- just get back up when it knocks you down. And when I say knocked down I don’t mean it in a good sense. More life the rug has been pulled from under you–knocked down. I wasn’t looking for love, yet some how it knocked on my heart’s door and as reluctant as I was to let it in, I fell victim to it’s persistent knocking never even once considering that I could in turn myself wind up knocked down. I wish I could say with certainty that there are only a specific number of times in one’s life that could leave one knocked down by love. Like after three times it’s harder for love to creep up on you and over take you, at least not to the same degree it did previously. But of that I can’t be certain.

I wonder what really is knocking us down though? Is it love or is it the reality check/shock that our expectations have yet again gone unfulfilled and that maybe just maybe they are more unrealistic then we’ve ever considered? That the dreams we’ve once held and the perfect relationship dynamics we paint in our minds are crumbling, and the pain of that alone is what knocks us down.  Can love and the success of our relationships really be boiled down to what happens when our hopes collide with our realities.  Is  defeating the imaginary, fairy tale the great battle we must all wage war against in life?   Perhaps if we’re successful in knocking that down the less likely we are to be knocked down when love doesn’t go our way.