The Boo-Less Life

Reflections

Niecey C — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 00:31:11 +0000

Looking at the title of my blog, giving particular attention to the brief explanation of it: the ups and downs of life without a ‘boo’, makes me chuckle. Because even if I changed the blog title to “The Boo-ed Up Life” or the “The Un-Boo-less Life”, that summary statement would remain the same. The ups and downs of life with a boo. And take my word for it, boy are there some ups and man are there even harder downs. I want to do a post eventually where I detail all the things I thought relationships were about before I was in one and show how most, if not all, of my preconceived notions and ideas were, well, more so rooted in fantasy than reality. But we’ll save that for a later post. Much I want to say. Pretty random thoughts though. Not sure how to piece in all together in one cohesive whole. But such is life right? And for the purposes of this blog, such are relationships. Rarely do things fit together neatly. So having said that please consider these scattered “revelations” if you will, with no particular relevance to each other but elements none the less that when blended together in practice, maybe help things come together in a relationship somehow…

I’m starting to rethink the notion that the epitome of a successful relationship is one where both strive to reach a place of unthinkingly communicating with each other. Meaning, you have a thought and then immediately blurt it out. Maybe it’s cute as a child, the kind of knee jerk reactions our words have with our thoughts. We think, we speak and leave others to sort through what we failed to, or when we are kids don’t even recognize we needed to. I think it’s problematic to equate this with a sense of being true to oneself and someone else in relationships. Not everything you think needs to be said. Maybe if we put a little more care and thought into what we say to our significant’s, we would see and enjoy better out comes. I don’t know. I’ll try it out for size and let you all know. And might I add it is a hard thing to divorce yourself from some of the things you think, but between time, experience and life, you eventually realize something is not working and it’s normally our thought patterns. A pastor I listen to often says that attitude determines approach, and it is sometimes the wrong attitudes we choose to approach our significant’s in, and well you know the rest of the story…

Without humility in a relationship, the relationship just won’t work. I heard this past weekend that when you don’t operate in humility, you are imitating Satan. And that was enough for me to want to run from pride like you can’t even imagine. But I can see how even pride in relationships, only destroys…

And finally, words don’t work in relationships. No matter what you say, only what you do matters. No amount of pleading, begging, talking, crying, screaming, will ever get results. It’s best to just keep your mouth shut I’m learning and just act. And act consistently with the love you say you have for someone.

Unbreakable?

Niecey C — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 02:53:34 +0000

I interrupt this writing hiatus to bring you a long awaited, highly anticipated note from the author. Well whether or not it is any of those things, I felt I both wanted to, and needed to even. You see I have been away for quite some time and every time I thought to post a new entry (and trust me I had PLENTY of material and thoughts on which to write) I talked myself out of it. See I wanted to come back with something that would wow the socks off of my “readers” (or at least the imaginary ones I would like to think I have). Heck I wanted to knock my own socks off with something profound and riveting. Problem was nothing ever seemed good enough. I mean you don’t just go on a sabbatical and come back with… nothing! You don’t take a journey to the end of the earth and back and when asked what you learned, have nothing to show for it. So I stalled. I wanted to “come back” more enlightened than before. Wiser. More insightful still. If nothing more I should be able to employ all the rules of editing I learned from that creative writing class right? There should be progression. A face lift for my blog ya know. So the thoughts would come but regarding them as annoying flies, I’d swat them away which resulted in, well… nothing. So I decided if not now than when? Maybe my initial entry won’t be the master piece I’m hoping it will be, but that doesn’t mean one won’t come in time. And by “it” I mean the entry that just epitomizes me as a wonderful writer and leaves every one saying “WOW”! I wrestled with do I pick up where I left off as if my falling into a black hole didn’t happen. Do I explain where I am. My direction so unclear. But I allowed that to steer me from the most relevant issue of all— I JUST LOVE WRITING!!!! So I don’t have all the answers, unsure of where I go with this blog, but certain of this one thing–I need to write. No better place to start than right here and see where it leads me…

Enough with the disclaimers.

*sigh of relief*

Enough of the booing and tomato throwing too, ok. I get it, I’m about to get to the good stuff right now… (gosh I miss this).

They say it’s the tough stuff that smooths you out in life. That the things that don’t break you, ultimately make you. And how could we forget the oft quoted “what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger”. Right? We’ve all heard that before. But it’s amazing that in life, we can know this and still look at what everyone else has and want it. And what is true of life is also true of relationships. We want what appears to be the success of their end product; be it with regard to the success in relationships we think others enjoy, or anything else in life for that matter. But one thing we don’t see and the one thing we fail to consider is their process. That is to say the tough stuff they had to deal with in order to enjoy the success they currently do. I think a major fallacy of thinking when it comes to relationships is that there will never be any rough edges that need smoothing out. Or the mistake in thinking that the evidence of tough stuff only reaffirms the fact that the relationship is fragile and headed for brokenness. Somehow the visions we have of happily ever after don’t include sorting through challenges. They never involve coming up with compromises to seemingly insurmountable issues. Instead we envision relationships where it’s smooth sailing, with no rain in the forecast ever. Do we all gang up and revolt against Disney? I mean where’s the knight in shining armor that is supposed to knock us off our feet. Our vision certainly doesn’t include one of a knight who’s armor gets rusted and needs it to get polished. Let alone that we would be the ones polishing it!!! Neither does it include one of a princess who has grown overweight and can no longer we picked up by her knight and hears him grumble about it as a result. Where’s the fairy tale ending in that?

I make light of it here, but the sobering reality of relationships is… that they aren’t easy. They never stay in the lines. They get messy. Things break. Things are lost others are discovered. And maybe it’s the very things that break us, that also possess in them the ability to make us. I don’t know that we will ever be able to recognize the things that “break” us from the things that make us the moment we see it. Could it be that if we assume the mindset and attitude that what ever comes, although it may have the intent to break me I will only find a way to have it make me, and ultimately make me a better me.

(For some strange reason I feel the need to listen to Alicia Keys Unbreakable right now).

The Hidden Treasures of You

Niecey C — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 04:55:04 +0000

Thoughts of how it feels to be around someone you know adores you
Don’t know why but it brings out the best in you
It frees you to radiate the beauty you know they seek
The beauty you know they see and expect from you
It unlocks a part of you that may have long been tucked away
Under lock and key
The treasure of you Its an amazing thing to be in the presence of someone you know adores you
It is unmistakable
The loving way they look at you
the way they smile at everything you say Study your gestures
Admirable glances they cast
It makes you feel alive
And safe in their presence

Maybe you perform a little for them even

Not that its not the real you
But they raise the deepest parts of you to life
Because you know they celebrate who you really are
The you you may be afraid to share and be with anyone else
And its just the most amazing feeling
How sweet it is to be loved
It just makes the best of you burst out at the seams
This uncontainable giddiness that someone sees past your exterior
Sees past your past
Sees past your mistakes
and sees your heart
And despite what may have transpired there lies this insatuable fondess of the individual
And it is something that doesnt happen often in life
But when you find it
I swear there is nothing quite like it

Business Parter or Boo

Niecey C — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 14:25:26 +0000

Now we have all heard that business and pleasure don’t mix, right? Wrong!!! Because so much emphasis is placed on the fact that the two should not be mixed, we fail to acknowledge when the two should–romantic relationships. Maybe its the appeal of the forbidden that leaves these two being mixed in the workplace but if we understood it properly maybe it would revolutionize the most important relationships we have–on the home front. Business and pleasure? Must they be mutually exclusive spheres we operate in? Shouldn’t we endeavor to blend the two and acknowledge that how we operate in each role is critical to the fulfillment and functionality of our relationship. I would gather that most successful relationships have learned that there must be a balance of both business and pleasure. If the relationship pendulum swings too much and stays too long on either side then it will only result in frustration. But frustration of different sorts.

Relationships are likened to business partnerships. Rappers comment that sometimes trying to work out a relationship “might be a bad business choice” (Dueces Remix). And while we chuckle at the comparison, relationships are partnerships– two people working together to accomplish a certain goal. Two pooling their resources together, financial as well as intellectual and social to be the right hand man or woman to the other.

And they lived happily ever after right?

If it were only that simple.

I think problems arise in relationships when both parties assume one role to the exclusion of the other. If one partner is strictly operating in business partner mode while the other is exclusively boo, you have two people operating in two different modes, speaking two different languages, trying to exchange very different capital. Both are left frustrated to say the least.

______________________________________________________________________________________

There are certain things we have come to expect in a business setting. If we are mature and realistic we understand that the office is not necessary the place we look for friends. We understand that the nature of the relations we have there are to be professional and reciprocal– I know this and I can help you with this aspect of business, you know that and can help me with that aspect of business. We associate with people because they can get us where we need to be. So we basically use each other and get paid by the company who is using (sometimes even exploiting us). But that is the nature of business. It is mechanical, careful, calculated, and robotic even. We don’t expect these same behaviors to manifest in our romantic relationships. The beauty of a relationship with a boo is that you can dress a similar dynamic up with the nice-ities of pet names and infuse the otherwise mechanical process of exchange with romance. It breathes life into the business partnership, that is if there is the right mix of business and pleasure. And at least there is an element of caring for the individuals well being and person outside of what they can “do for you” that we look for in romantic relationships that sets them apart drastically from the strictly arms length distance we are kept at from business partners. At least that is the hope.

Here are some examples of frustrations that result when business and pleasure are mixed disproportionately in a relationship:

Both Parties are Business Partners:

When both parties approach the relationship as exclusively business partners lots of things get done and accomplished for the couple outwardly. It is very formal and robotic even. Devoid of passion and appreciation of the other. Emotionally un-fulfilling, cold and distant

Both Parties are Boos:

Probably the relationship most of us had in our youth. Basically nothing gets done. All that matters is how attractive the other person is and that you can spend as much time with each other as you can. No goals, no objectives, not much responsibility. Just boo-loving.

One Party is Exclusively Business Partner,While the Other, Boo:

Business Partner views the boo as irresponsible, negligent, carefree and not holding up their end of the bargain in terms of contributing to the larger scheme of things. Boo accuses Business Partner of being insensitive, non-chalante, detached, removed, distant and only using boo as a means to an end.

Maybe the whole of relationships is an art where balancing the role of business partner/boo will create either a masterpiece on the canvas of a relationship or just one big old mess. Which one are you? ARE YOU OPERATING IN STRICTLY BUSINESS PARTNER MODE AND VIEWING YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER AS SUCH, AS MERELY A BUSINESS PARTNER? I am certain that no matter which role you assure, there are adjustments that can be made to enhance the flavor of your Boo-siness Partnership.

The Recipe to Winning

Niecey C — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 15:47:27 +0000

Howdy guys!

It’s been a while. I know. I happened to look at my stats only to discover that even after months of inactivity on my end you guys are still reading and visiting and I am inspired all over again. My inactivity here does not mean I have not been writing at all, just not posting. I’ll try to be more regular. Maybe I will actualize my life’s dream in the process. Here’s a piece I had written a little while ago. Hope you enjoy:

When conflict occurs,

If peace and reconciliation

Are to be the aims

Then the issue of who was right

And who was wrong

Must be utterly abandoned.

All that matters is that both seek

To not continue in being wrong:

By the inability to see things

From the perspective of the other.

The moment the two refuse to set both self

And pride aside

Long enough to acknowledge

Why the other felt the way they did

Perceived it as they did,

This is where the greatest of the wrongs has occurred.

So the true goal to winning becomes

Not to convince the other of your rightness

And their wrongness

But to endeavor to understand clearly

How it was perceived by the other

And after all is said and done,

Although they may not ever agree,

Both win because the emphasis is placed on the two

As a whole

And not as separate entities

In any given conflict

Both had to play a part in contributing to it.

But as long as both agree to

Suspend their self preservation long enough

To be touched by compassion and concern for the other

That is if the two can grasp this principle,

It will be the secret to success every time.

Where this simple statement:

“Based on your understanding of things, I see why you would feel that way”,

Could mean the difference between

Fulfillment and further frustration

When communicating.

When this approach is taken,

The focus of each is shifted off of self

And on to how both can better

Understand

Interact

And communicate successfully with the other.

And that is the secret to winning.

Leap of Love

Niecey C — Tue, 12 Oct 2010 15:13:10 +0000

Couldn't find a more gracious, feminine looking diver (guess this will suffice)

I’m back!!!!!

I know it has been forever. Did you miss me??? Well I’ll explain everything as time progresses. Let’s just say I have been thoroughly enjoying the “un-boo-less” life for the past few months. I don’t know how to insert an asterisk and the word “un” to the blogs title (if someone does please let me know), so I thought it strange to continue blogging here when I am no longer booless. I reckoned it would be a contradiction of sorts, misleading and… well you get it. I certainly did not want to begin receiving hate mail from the singles club ousting me from the group. In any event, I have come to learn now, more so than ever before that I just love writing and for that reason can’t seem to stay away. So while the content may be slightly different, I’m sure there will be something everyone (boo-ed up or not) can relate to. At least that is my hope.

That’s it for my disclaimer. And now that the preliminaries are out of the way (well sort of)… on with the good stuff.

I can’t say I haven’t taken what I would consider leaps in the name of love in the past. Guess what makes this current leap different was that the past leaps were primarily me wishfully thinking the person I was looking to leap for would morph into someone other than they were. So I leaped in the “well, they aren’t everything I was looking for, but we’ll try to make this work” sense– love conquers all kind of thing. The leap of love I reference now though is certainly of an entirely different magnitude. I decided to leap because of love, not in the hopes that I’d stumble upon it and serendipitously find it. Love makes sacrifices and does so willingly after all right? So this leap leaves me halfway across the country so that every spare moment the boo has, we can spend it together (well at least that was my hope). Funny how the way our imaginations paint pictures somehow look slightly blurred and distorted compared to the portrait of reality. This leap also leaves me with an extraordinary amount of time on my hands. I heard someone say that we need to spend time with ourselves so we can get to know who we really are. I have an awful lot of learning to do. But time no less–and while it is perfect for blogging but the flip side of it is the enormous amount to time I have to think about life, love, and the like. They say love is the most discussed topics in all of human history. The most written about, the most complex, the thing that has lead to the most confusion and study. I think we can all understand why.

And while there are a plethora of reasons why people take leaps in life, how many people still take leaps of love? And if people are leaping for love all the time, are they leaping together in the name of love or is it one party leaping for love while the other is leaping for an entirely different reason? If two people leap together but for different reasons, it eventually becomes apparent. What are you leaping for?

The Vice of Expections

Niecey C — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 06:07:22 +0000

It never fails, there are somethings that, will always get us into trouble. And I have found “expectations” to be one of those things that almost always gets me into trouble and sabotages relationships. It would do us all some good if we could identify them early on so this way we won’t keep hitting the same pot hole expecting miraculously that this time we’ll miss it without any effort on our part. Here’s a surefire way, a formula if you will, that will leave you both frustrated and disappointed every time:

Expectations + Emotions = Enormous Problems

Apparently expectations are the enemy and a more easy-going approach is the key when it comes to others and relationships. Because when we begin to think that others are supposed to do certain things and we anticipate a certain behavior from them (sometimes without them even being in the know about it) and we invest a lot of emotions in and around them doing these things, boy are we just asking for trouble when they don’t follow up the way we thought they should. You thought he should have or would have called you back or texted you by now but he hasn’t [common complaints due to expectations]. And I’m guessing that at the heart of every an unmet expectation is an assumption that the other person understands things exactly the way you do and that is just a down right untruth.

When it comes to expectations it just seems like they do a whole lot more harm then good. Maybe we’d do better to eliminate them all together. At least I am finding that to be the more effective approach.

A Fighting Chance

Niecey C — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 00:59:34 +0000

This is filed under Lessons I’ve Learned in Love, yet I feel the need to express that I made an error when naming this category. Lessons I’m Learning in Love would be the more accurate description because I have by no means arrived. Still trying to understand some things, while grappling with others that only make me think that the more I think I know, circumstances invariably have a way of showing me I haven’t the slightest clue. That being said I hope I haven’t misled anyone with the title of this post. I really just wanted to talk about times in one’s life where you’ve fought for a relationship. Be it a romantic one with someone who may not have necessarily felt the same way or even a friendship.

Someone approached me recently who seemed to be putting up a fight for our friendship, insisting that we pick up where we left off. And while I’ll admit I was flattered, I was also saddened that I’ve never had the courage to do likewise. My response was:

There are some people in my life that have walked away from me, and I let them even if I would have preferred that they stay. I may have had tears in my eyes and a broken heart yet I let them go. There are people I’ve walked away from; some I’m sure probably didn’t even deserve it (and I guess due to my unwillingness to put forth effort or even forgive it ended); then there are people that I pushed away that I’m sure probably still wonder til this day why (and sometimes there’s not even a reason, it just happens, lack of proximity, etc). I’ve come to the point in my life where I don’t fight for people and relationships. I don’t know if it’s a good place to be or not. What is messed up is that if someone doesn’t say anything to me I’ll just move on as if nothing. Not that I don’t feel anything but I won’t allow myself to. Yet at other moments I find myself frustrated because of it. Frustrated because I don’t show the true nature of my feelings toward people. Having said all of that, I recognize that as a problem (as it is a complaint of many people to me) that I just seeming cut people off completely. And I’m learning that it’s a defense mechanism more than anything.

What do you guys think? Are there any relationships in your life worth fighting for? And under what conditions do you fight for one or just let it slip away?

New Year… Same Old Habits

Niecey C — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 17:21:44 +0000

Happy New Year’s folks!!! You know what a new year means don’t you? It means we can start all over, right the wrongs, put the past behind us and finally be out with the old and in with the new. But why am I noticing the contrary. Namely that we’re bringing the old into the new. A new year yet our habits where certain men and relationships are concerned aren’t so… well new. A new year but the same old mindset. Instead its the same old stuff, only its a different year!!! What’s going on here folks? Why are we subjecting our selves to the same people, places and things when we know we vowed last year that those were the very things we would change in the new? If a new year is not sufficient motivation to keep old habits at bay, I don’t know what is.

And I never thought I’d say this but sometimes you can become so addicted to a person that they can be likened to a bad habit. People we’ve grown so accustomed to interacting with its almost as if we’re incapable of acknowledging that they don’t mean us any good. Or we may know that are no good for us but like a chain smoker, can’t seem to kick the bad habit. Too bad they don’t sell patches for people like they do for cigarettes considering that avoiding people (boos) who have become bad habits will involve the same if not more willpower, determination and effort that it does to quit any other bad habit.

The Christmas Syndrome

Niecey C — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 17:09:57 +0000

Finding out the latest games….making up lists, checking them twice. And then the long wait…. Finally opening up your much coveted presents and becoming virtually missing in action as you go off to play with whatever new games you received. And then it happens, the game you dreamed about, cried about, longed for, the game you wouldn’t let any one else touch… the game that you finally got for Christmas is in your possession and after a certain amount of time, you find that very game tossed to the side. All the secrets unlocked, you’ve conquered the game, beat it and there’s nothing else to do but to start the whole process all over again. Find out what the latest game is, covet it, devise a plan to get it… and the cycle goes on and on and on this way. And it starts to sound much and much less like a child on Christmas and starts to sound more and more like adults in relationships. And I can’t help but wonder if the whole Christmas experience as children sets us up for this type of behavior when it comes to relationships?

The problem arises when we begin to treat people and relationships as adults, the way we treated inanimate objects as children. Is this Christmas Syndrome inadvertently training us for this type of behavior? Dear Santa: we have a problem on our hands.